We'll Find Ways To Fill The Empty // Peter

He was alone again today. Peter hated, hated being alone, but lately his friends were proving fickle. The Marauders, the four brothers-in-arms, had once been inseparable. They went everywhere together, and it used to be that you never saw one of them without at least another of the others. That stability was everything to him. Peter craved – no he literally needed to have that sort of dependability from his friends. The thought of being on his own, of being a social pariah terrified him. Whatever grief James and Sirius gave him occasionally, he still depended on their companionship. Without them, he was nothing. Without them, he would be trapped with only his inner demons for company. That was why it was so hard to bear the slow drifting apart that had taken place over the past year. Sirius and Remus had gotten girlfriends, who were soaking up a lot of their time and focus, and then James... James seemed like he was simply outgrowing his childhood pals. It left Peter all by himself, ill at ease and very unhappy.

Anything was better than isolation, and so he went scouting for someone – anyone. After searching all the usual places and finding none of his friends, he was about to give up, but just then he caught sight of Remus. Moony, he thought with a swell of affection. Moony had always been the kindest and most reliable of the four. That was just what Wormy needed today, but Remus had a big head start. He was through into the common room before Peter could call out. by the time he followed him through, Remus had already pulled a u-turn. It was that interfering Juliet again. Shouldn't their friendship matter more than some stupid girl? The four of them were supposed to be like family. You didn't treat family like this, blowing them off for some fling. He scowled after Moony's retreating figure. "Yeah. Right. See you," he muttered sullenly. He scuffed at the carpet with the toe of his shoe. He didn't want to doubt Remus, but things had changed and even his faith in the infallible Moony wavered.

His watery eyes darted over the faces of the people he was left with. No friendly faces; nobody who would give him the time of day without one of the other Marauders by his side. His fingertips tapped together in agitation. What was he supposed to do now? Maybe one of the others was up in the dorm, he hoped. Peter wandered half-heartedly up the stairs, but sure enough, he found his dorm room empty. The silence was oppressive, unbearable. He shivered, quickly pulling an about face and creeping back into the main room. Better to be alone around other people than completely on his own. If he stayed up there by himself, he'd go crazy. People already thought that he was, he didn't want to validate those opinions. It wasn't his fault that he was different, that everything seemed to be so much harder for him... But people saw only the nervous ticks, the awkwardness, the flaws in him. Without people like James around to pull focus, Peter was just 'that creepy little weirdo.'

Back in the common room, he scurried over to an seat in a corner. As much as he wanted company, he was not eager to draw attention to himself. Yet, as soon as he was seated, he was immediately bored. He had nothing to do – well, there was always homework, but screw that. To amuse himself, he fiddled with some loose threads in the upholstery of the armchair. He felt eyes on him. Actually, come to think of it, it had felt like someone had been watching him ever since entering Gryffindor tower. Naturally jumpy and paranoid, Peter had heightened awareness of that sort of attention. He looked around and caught the eye of the mental girl in his year – Amelia McMillan. She was bona fide mental, everyone knew that. She held conversations with herself, talked about things that made no sense, and apparently read her books upside-down. Everyone avoided her like she was contagious, but Peter was particularly scared of her. She was everything he fought so hard not to be. He quickly looked away, fidgeting all the more, now that he found out that he was being watched and who was doing the watching.

A bit a movement caught his eye and he looked up from the threads of the armchair. That Amelia girl was staring right at him and... Did she just wave to him? Peter's eyes widened. He hastily looked everywhere but across at her. His gaze ricocheted across the room, landing on everything yet seeing nothing. His mind went whirring away with agitated thoughts. Why was she paying attention to him? Who waves to someone like that, anyway? Did anyone see her wave? Would people think they were friends? Would they assume he was just as nuts as she was? He couldn't stand the idea of becoming a pariah. He was close enough to one as it was; he couldn't afford to go hanging around with bona fide outcasts. He needed people like James and Sirius, and even Remus, to keep him from sliding into obscurity – or worse, ridicule. Peter was all-to-aware that it would be a short slide for him to fall into that. He clung onto being socially accepted only by the hem of the Marauders' cloaks. Just one small pit in the road, and he'd lose his grasp... and he would truly be nobody. It was his deepest fear; it was why he could not even look at Amelia right now.

Although he could not, the same could not be said of her, however. Her eyes were still on him, staring. Peter could feel it. He swallowed nervously. Sweat began to pepper his brow. Tension built up inside him until, finally, he caved to the pressure. Twitching his head to meet the beam of her eyes, he blurted out, "What! Wh-why are you staring at – at me, Amelia?" It probably sounded very rude and confrontational. He realized quickly that he didn't really want to provoke her. The last thing he needed was to make a scene and draw in more attention. It already felt like the whole room was watching them. He swallowed again. Making a surprisingly decent stab at something more like normalcy, he tried to cover up his outburst, "I... I mean... Do you need something?"