it's all I know [eileen]

how can I forget your love,

how can I never see you again?

there is a time and place,

for one more sweet embrace.

---

Noah didn’t know why Eileen was crying so much. Sure, he was reasonably upset, but not so much that he would be reduced to sobbing. They were working out their fight – there wasn’t any more need for tears. He held her anyway, paranoid that he had done something completely wrong. Or perhaps it was just her fatigue and stress that was getting to her. It would make perfect sense. He wasn’t used to being with someone so sensitive and dedicated. He knew he should just take whatever this was as it was as he knew he probably wouldn’t understand even if she explained it to him. Noah didn’t know why she didn’t just go to sleep if she was tired, or why she wouldn’t just stop studying when her mind drifted. It was all so simple for him, why couldn’t it be for her? Sometimes he felt like they were two puzzle pieces that simply wouldn’t fit. They were both corner pieces and just never fell into place. But he wanted to try.

When Eileen looked up at him with puffy eyes, he wiped her tears with his thumb. He didn’t know someone could seem so lost with just a simple look, but there they were. Even Noah could see that her smile didn’t quite meet her eyes, but he appreciated the effort. It meant that she was trying, too. He couldn’t help if perhaps their awkwardness was caused by the fact that they had never been physical. How could you feel attached to someone if you didn’t know them inside out? It was almost like a glorified friendship.

He allowed her to drag him along through the corridors, unsure of where they were going. His mind raced to all sorts of possibilities, but knew that she wouldn’t even be considering half of what he was. Noah was surprised at her invite. Being in Ravenclaw tower seemed wrong somehow. The House represented everything that Noah was not, but he nodded regardless. “Okay… okay, sure.” He wanted to protest and say that he’d get caught and then get in trouble, but he knew that she wouldn’t buy it. Noah always tried to get Eileen to break rules, so he figured that she would see through his lies.

When they entered, the Tower was practically empty. “I guess we saw them all in the library,” he mused quietly. He had never been in a different common room before, so it was all strange and foreign to him. There were books and parchment stacked neatly on different tables, looking like they were saving the spot for someone who hadn’t been there in a while. Noah stood there awkwardly, his hands buried deep in his pockets as he wasn’t sure what to do. He almost felt like a bull in a china shop.

---

tag: @eileen

words: 469

but is it me?
is it you?
is it the times that we're going through?

---

In the very least, Noah was glad that Eileen seemed to cheer up the moment they got back to her common room, her domain. It seemed like it was home for her, the way she relaxed when they got there. He didn’t notice when Eileen had separated from him, and it was only when he heard her voice that he snapped out of his thoughts. He shook his head and gave a small grin. “I mean, no, but…” he didn’t know how to put it into words. “In a way, yes?” he laughed. It was the same in the way that two houses in a row are the same, but the insides are changed and different depending on the occupant. He shrugged his shoulders. “It just feels different.” 

He was surprised that Eileen was inviting him into her dorm. The way her lids were heavy and the soft tone of her voice, he doubted that it was for the reason that he had been hoping for since they became an official couple. Noah followed her simply, passing by books that he would never even attempt to read, passing journals that remained untouched by other housemates. He stood there and watched Eileen get into bed like he wasn’t there. When she beckoned for him to join her, he was even more surprised, although he had the sneaking suspicion that anything past cuddling was out of the equation. He removed his jumper, leaving him a t-shirt underneath. Noah kicked off his shoes without caring where they landed and then joined her. The bed was just big enough for the both of them to fit side by side.

Noah felt suddenly unsure of what to do with his hands. He didn’t want to keep them all tucked up against his chest, so he managed to sneak one under his pillow and placed the other one gently on Eileen’s waist. The inward curve of her hip was more pronounced when she lay on her side. Her face seemed peaceful, and he wasn’t even sure if she was sleeping yet. Noah could feel her soft exhales on his face with each gradually deeper breath she took as sleep began to overwhelm her. He wasn’t sure if he had ever actually slept with a girl before. As much as he always appreciated his own bed, in that moment Noah considered that maybe sharing wasn’t so bad.

---

tag: @eileen

words: 400

I break you don't,

I was always set to self-destruct, though.

---

Feeling Eileen nuzzle closer to him made him excited in a way that was physically obvious, and in that moment he was glad that they weren’t touching from the waist down. Would she be repulsed by him or understand that it was just something that he couldn’t control? Besides, were all girls not aware that snuggling so close to a man did those things to him? Eileen was so innocent and so pure that he feared that she wouldn’t know. Perhaps all she knew was of the cuddling in romance novels where they just laid in each other’s arms and whispered sweet nothings until they fell asleep.

Noah had no idea what Eileen wanted from him. If she were any other girl he would think that she was making a move, trying to get him to officially initiate. But she wasn’t just any girl, she was Eileen, and she so far had turned down every attempt he had made in being with her. Maybe this was her nonverbal way of suggesting that she wanted more. She was sleepy, sure, and her comfortable bed and sheets made Noah tired as well – but sleepy and slow sex was still good sex. There was always a timelessness to it, like they wouldn’t be expected anywhere else in the world for a very long time.

Her lips pressed against his cheek, warmth meeting warmth. She made noises that only meant one thing to Noah in that moment. He closed his eyes and tried to relax himself, to pretend that he was anywhere else. He couldn’t resist her. Noah scooted closer to her, fully pressing himself against her. He kept his hand on her waist and leaned in to kiss her neck lightly. He moved his hand up to move her shirt so that her shoulder was bare and he kissed lightly along there, too.

---

tag: @eileen

words: 310

Eileen shoved Noah without warning which caused him to slide out of bed and get twisted in the sheets before he became free. He stumbled and looked at his girlfriend with a confused look on his face. Her push had been so… abrupt. She looked at him like he had betrayed her somehow, and not like he was just doing what was normal in relationships. He narrowed his eyes as he looked at her on the bed, fixing her shirt and looking horribly violated.

“Jesus, Eileen, you could have just said no,” he responded, angrily. “You’re making me out like I attacked you. Why don’t you just calm the fuck down?” This was an overreaction on Eileen’s part and Noah hated it. She was supposed to be the stable one. “I didn’t even do anything. All I did was kiss your neck and shoulder. Like I said, a simple no would have done. Why do you have to be such a fucking drama queen?” his voice got louder with each word as he riled himself up a bit. “In case you missed the memo, Eileen, everyone kisses their girlfriend; and usually they’re able to do so without their girlfriend turning into a statue,” he rambled, pent up emotions coming out of him. He wiped his face in an exasperated fashion. “You know, we must be the only couple in school who doesn’t have sex. What are you waiting for? Marriage? How about you actually talk to me for once, Merlin!” he exclaimed. Noah sat on the edge of the bed next to Eileen’s. Every part of him wanted to storm out but at the same time he was desperately curious to why Eileen was so chaste.

Noah slid off the bed he was sitting on and kneeled in front of hers. “Because it is. You wouldn’t understand because you’ve never done it. Babe, seriously, I can’t explain it. It just makes people… closer. In a way that without sex can’t. It just, y’know, bonds people. What’s better at bonding than knowing things about each other that no one else does?” he reached forward to touch her hand but then abruptly changed his mind and rose back to his feet. Noah wasn’t good at feigning calmness when he was angry but he was doing his best. Waiting until marriage? who even did that anymore? Was she some sort of nun? It made him feel slightly better that she wasn’t abstaining because she wasn’t satisfied with him necessarily but it stressed him out nonetheless. They hadn’t even been dating very long and he already felt like he was going mad. He just wanted to touch her, run his hands through her hair, feel her warmth and her body and…

Noah shook his head, clearly quite frustrated. He turned back to Eileen who was sitting on the bed as if she were a child and Noah had been a parent who had just scolded her harshly. He walked to the door and placed his hand on the handle before turning back to her. “Maybe I should just go.” 

He wanted her to call him back, he wanted her to kiss him and tell him that maybe she’ll be ready soon but just not now, he wanted her to tell him anything than what had already passed by her lips. Noah didn’t want to continue the conversation otherwise because he was afraid of his emotions – he was afraid of himself. He just kept thinking to himself that he couldn’t ruin what they had. Noah had few good things in his life and he felt like he had just gotten extremely close to losing one of them.