it's all I know [eileen]

Noah’s eyes nearly closed as he sat there with his head on the book. The whispered and frenzied conversations around him were like white noise, and it almost sent him to sleep. How did anyone ever do this? It was just words on a page… it meant nothing. What made it worse was how the authors wrote. If they were speaking what they wrote, it would just be a monotonous drone. The fact that anyone found books fascinating was beyond him. He figured no one could say he didn’t try. The only reason he even attempted was because he wanted to have something to talk about to Eileen. Sometimes he felt like he didn’t relate to her at all, and something stirred uncomfortably in his stomach when he saw her having some sort of intellectual conversation with someone else. It was something that he couldn’t give her, and just knowing that made him uneasy.

As if she appeared by just thinking of her alone, Noah heard her voice. It was an unmistakeable voice that definitely stood out, and more so in such a quiet room. He looked up at her a bit too quickly, and cricked his neck uncomfortably. “God… DAMN!” he exclaimed a little too loudly as he reached to the knot in his neck, earning him a few disgruntled looks. Noah looked around quickly. “What?” he asked of them before turning miserably back to the table. Luckily he had a pretty girl there to retrieve him from his growing mood. Eileen looked like she was a bit frazzled herself, but even stressed she looked stunning.

“Uh, yeah…” he murmured. He looked at her sheepishly, but in a way that said that he wasn’t feeling sheepish at all. “Disappointed to see me?” he joked. He leaned back in his chair casually and rubbed at his neck, trying his best to get the throbbing pain to go away. “I was trying to do…” he paused to look at the cover of his book, its content already foreign to him. “Potions.” He groaned as he looked at his nearly empty still-crumpled-looking parchment. “Not really getting anywhere.” Noah shrugged casually. He stood up and kissed Eileen gently on the lips, hoping that he would give the grumpy onlookers something to look at. He still felt proud that Eileen was his… what other boy in the school with his social status could achieve something as good as getting her? He brushed a stray hair that was sticking to her forehead away. God, he felt so gentle around her. “What are you working on tonight?” he asked curiously as he sat back down. He kicked the chair next to him so that she would take it and sit there. Noah didn’t bother to ask if she was studying as her overfilled rucksack gave it all away. Besides, it was Eileen. He didn’t figure someone would get so clever just by existing – then again, what did he really know about being clever?

Even though it was obvious that Eileen felt affection for Noah, he still felt the need to seek reassurances. A grin spread across his face uncontrollably. It felt good that there was at least one person in this world who didn’t cringe when he came into a room or actually sought out his attention. It wasn’t that Noah believed that he was completely unlikable, but at the same time he knew that he couldn’t keep up with a lot of topics of conversation, and therefore he made an idiot of himself accidentally quite frequently. It wasn’t like he tried to make a fool of himself, he simply attempted to participate, and his efforts were often ignored and his words taunted.

“I hope it stays that way,” he said happily. He always struggled to keep his voice low, and due to the silence of the library, his words tended to carry. He wasn’t loud enough to keep out, but he was loud enough to disrupt others studying. He didn’t mind. Noah had his girl with him, and that’s all he was truly focused on. He chuckled lightly at her awkward seating. “You alright?” he wondered. He leaned forward and added, “Haven’t been drinking without me, have you?” 

Noah rolled his eyes light-heartedly at her comment. “Are you fussing about something Daddy said?” he teased. He poked her in the shoulder playfully before moving back. “You know you are your own person, right? Screw whatever he’s told you that’s gotten you all like…” he gestured in her general direction. “This. Just pretend you’ve done whatever he’s said, and just don’t.” He knew vaguely that her father was a bit controlling, and ironically it annoyed Noah. He didn’t want someone pushing her around, especially when it came to school. Perhaps it hit a nerve with him, because he knew no matter how much he thought he tried, he never seemed to get better. “Nah, let’s not do homework right now. How much do I ever get to see my girl?” he asked as he placed his finger beneath her chin and pointed her face up at him. He caressed her cheek with his thumb, in awe that this pretty girl called him her boyfriend. He was tempted to kiss her again, but he had noticed that she always seemed to tense up when people were around. Noah always considered Eileen shy, but he didn’t really expect her to be a prude, either.

“Why don’t we get outta here?” he asked as he began stuffing his books back into his bag, without waiting for her answer. “You clearly need to relax, and I’d be honoured to be the one to help you with that.” He held his arm out, offering to take her bag from her so that she wouldn’t have to carry it.

Noah didn’t understand how Eileen and people like her lived the lives that they did. Would it kill them to take a break and relax every now and then…? He supposed that they must be equally confused by his contrastingly leisurely life. He knew that people like her would be in a complete panic if they were as behind as Noah. He just liked to take things as they came, whether it was homework or duties or anything, really. He didn’t see the point in looking so far ahead. He remembered someone telling him that other cultures don’t have savings and such because they like to live in the moment, and saving instead of spending seemed ridiculous. Noah fantasised that he’d like to be a part of such a culture. He knew that his life needed a bit more structure, and that was one of the reasons that he knew that Eileen was good for him. Even when she made him grumble and complain, he still managed to get some things done, even if it wasn’t as much as she would have liked.

Noah frowned at her and sat back down. He grabbed his quill from his bag and twirled it between his fingers, lost in thought for a moment, his eyes set on his girlfriend. “I dunno. I can’t imagine he’d know for sure.” He replied, although he didn’t really feel like getting into an argument about it. He knew how these sorts of arguments went. They were the type that were recurring and slowly tore apart a relationship from its seams. Her father was a permanent part of her life, and anything that was an issue between he and her father that Eileen wasn’t a part of would never get settled. All he hoped to accomplish, really, was to loosen her father’s grips on her just a little. He supposed he would be content with that. He nodded at his head at her in a way that showed he was about to ask a question. “Yo, what are you even doing at the Ministry this summer? I feel like you told me at some point, but I don’t remember.” He grinned at her like a little boy who was being mischievous. Eileen had the ability to talk a fair amount, and although Noah was fascinated with her, sometimes he accidentally zoned out, instead of listening to her he would watch the way her mouth moved or the way her eyes sparkled. He wondered how far their relationship would go, and if they were still together when she graduated if she’d still want to stay with him, or if she’d move on to bigger and better people. At that thought, he suddenly remembered that the Gavin guy worked at the Ministry, and he curled a fist unconsciously. When Noah felt his fingernails dig into his palm, he released it and took a deep breath. No point in getting jealous over something as silly as an acquaintance. Eileen was bound to have many of those, even if they weren’t all smart and handsome like the man he had met was.

Noah crossed his arms on the table and rested his head in the nest that he had created, obviously quite bored. He bounced his leg in an agitated state. He figured he may as well keep Eileen company as she studied, but it was hard. After a few minutes, he popped up again. “I don’t believe that you haven’t studied yet,” he teased “Come on, Eileen. You’ll do amazing, you always do.”

He was trying to make her feel better, but he had this horrible feeling that he was making her feel worse. How was it possible for someone to feel worse when there were better options laid out for them for the day? Noah knew that no matter what he was doing, he would drop it in an instant if Eileen asked him to.

I don't know

where you think you are

---

Noah frowned slightly. Was she being argumentative on purpose, or was it just in her nature? He was trying to make her feel better, and all she did was insist that her father would know better. Why try to make someone feel better if they clearly didn’t want to? Perhaps she somewhat enjoyed the stress her father put on her: maybe it made her feel important. “Don’t you think that him doing that to you is a bit invasive?” he questioned, his mood beginning to slip slightly. “Like, why would he do that? Not very good parenting if you ask me.” Noah’s own family was fine. There was nothing exciting about them, but he preferred it that way. There were no parents or siblings trying to get inside of his head just to see if he practiced a little harder. “Doesn’t he have anything better to do?” he added as he didn’t quite meet her eyes.

“Auror,” he repeated as if the word were foreign to him. He remembered now, yet she seemed irritated. So what if he needed a little refresher? Was he supposed to remember everything she said? Besides, almost everyone he knew wanted to be an Auror. “Sounds fancy,” he tried to joke with Eileen. If he ever tried to become an Auror, he would be laughed at. Failing students did not become Aurors, even if they were the best at catching wizards around. Or at least, that’s what Noah believed. He had no interest in that career path anyway, so it’s not like he was personally offended.

“This summer? Woah, Eileen, don’t get too ahead of yourself. I don’t even know what I’m doing for dinner,” he said with a small laugh. He figured most students were like him in which they spent the summer just lounging around, doing practically nothing. He would lay in the backyard, probably getting high, as he watched the world float by. It was nice to have a couple of months where there were no obligations. For Eileen, it would be her last summer as a student, and he couldn’t believe that she preferred to work or study than to just relax as the teenager she was.

Noah couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “I don’t even know what a perfect score is.” He, too, was becoming irritable. He felt as if every time she mentioned her grades she was always reminding him that he was much below her. Noah had never even seen a near-perfect grade. He knew what barely-passing was, but that was to the extent of it. He couldn’t comprehend her need to be perfect, mainly because his mind simply didn’t work that way. He didn’t understand that it was important to her, and that it was something she prided herself in. He stood up and grabbed his bag, unimpressed.

“You don’t have to make it sound like I’m the one who wants to go,” he told Eileen. “Just be honest, you’d rather be studying alone.” 

He then began to stroll out of the library. He took a few deep breaths, satisfied that he hadn’t yelled at her. He was the one who wanted to spend time with her, and now she was trying to turn it around on him! Whatever. He was trying, and she couldn’t even see that.

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Words: 552
Notes: --

you run, you run, you run,

and there's no time to think, 

no time to breathe,

no time at all.

---

Noah looked at Eileen like she was crazy. “Uh, no, that’s not really how it works,” he responded coldly. “Who taught you that rubbish… oh, let me guess, your father.” How often could Eileen really talk about her father like he was the King of the Universe? Perhaps he was just King of her Universe. Either way, he didn’t see it as a healthy relationship, and it bothered him deeply, and it was starting to show. It was always her father this, and her father that. How long would it take before she cut the bloody umbilical cord? Well, maybe that phrase didn’t work when it came to having a relationship with fathers, but his point stood … in his head. He was doing his best to bite his tongue and not lash out at her, but it was growing more difficult, especially with her matter-of-fact tone like he didn’t know what he was talking about, and that look in her eyes. 

The silence hung in the air between them uncomfortably, especially when he thought about the beginning of their relationship when they talked about anything and everything, hardly a silence ever occurring. Why was she so positive toward him then, but now she seemed cold and distant? Had she already grown bored of him, even though only moments earlier she had said that she would always be happy to see him? Maybe it was all lies. Maybe she was just trying to appease him until she could find the words to say that it was over. Rage began to boil within Noah. This was where it was going, he knew it. He and Allison had broken up enough times to know when the end was near. He bit his lip and suddenly tasted blood. He wiped it away with his hand, only for the blood to smear slightly. 

Noah turned back at her when she yelled at him. He was admittedly surprised as he had never heard her raise her voice before. The slam on the table made him know that she was truly enraged. He didn’t even notice anyone else in the library anymore; it was like he had tunnel vision only for Eileen. He focused on her, feeling a combination of desperation and anger. He would never do better than Eileen, but she was clearly seeing that for herself. She was too good for him. 

Noah threw his hands down to his sides in a frantic and frustrated motion. “What does that even mean? You want me to study more? You’re all PMSing because I’m not bloody studying?!” he retorted, angrily, not really catching the point at all. “Fine, Eileen, fine! If that’s what’ll make you happy!” Noah stomped back over to their table, slammed his rucksack on the table and pulled out a book. He sat next to her loudly, causing quite a scene. Noah didn’t even know what book he opened, but as he flipped the pages, he noticed that his hands were shaking. He turned back to his girlfriend. “Am I good enough for you now? Am I? What if I have this whole thing memorized and then we have clever conversations with your clever friends?” he couldn’t help the bitterness in his words, all of his insecurities pouring out at once. “You know, I’m just trying to make you happy, but apparently that’s impossible unless I’m going to be Minister of Magic or something equally important.” His breaths came quicker as he avoided her eyes. He felt a lump rise in his throat that he tried to ignore. Noah didn’t cry frequently, but it didn’t mean that he didn’t feel the urge to ever. Right now he didn’t know if his urge to cry was from anger, insecurity, or fear of losing her, which he knew was growing more likely with each word that he said and the more stares that he drew from other people in the room. 

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Tag: @eileen

Words: 656

Notes: --

shut the fuck up

while I'm trying to think

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Noah had no concept of the fact that he was just projecting his own insecurities onto Eileen. If he thought this way, how could she not? Was it not blaringly obvious to her that he was just scum, especially compared to her beauty, to her intellect, to her everything? He was just forgettable, someone’s face that everyone just glanced over before finding the right person. He was not a person many gave second thoughts about, and even he didn’t have high expectations for himself. Noah just wanted a simple life, and the older he got the more he realized that it would never be like that. Nothing would ever be simple, either with a girl or without. Adult responsibility loomed ahead and he wanted to run into the opposite direction, one where his only worries were getting homework done on time… in retrospect, he wanted to be thirteen again, before he began to fail and before he became so apathetic that he was impossible to converse with at times.

“I care about you!” he shouted back. It was the first thing that jumped to his head, and he felt hot tears in his eyes that he wiped away hastily. Noah already thought that Eileen believed him to be weak, and the last thing he needed was for her to see him cry. Outside of family, he didn’t think anyone had seen him cry before and he didn’t want to start now. Whenever he cried before, he had always done so in a solitary fashion, excusing himself from whatever he was dealing with and storming somewhere private. If he argued with Allison, he would just storm off in the middle of an argument. He didn’t want to leave this argument with Eileen because he just wanted to sort it out. Despite the fact that he didn’t let his own tears fall, he saw the ones in Eileen’s, and her sobs echoed through the room. Noah suddenly became aware of the fact that their argument was humiliatingly public. When he looked back at Eileen, he saw that she was walking away from him and out of the room. His eyes then caught Madam Pince’s, and knew that they were about to be thrown out anyway. He hastily stuffed his own books into his bag before following Eileen into the corridor, shutting the library door behind himself. He couldn’t stand the sight of her walking away, but that was what he was viewing in that moment.

Noah slung his bag over one shoulder, and after a few paces he caught up with her. He grabbed her one arm to stop her. He turned her to face him, and felt a tear hot on his cheek. “Merlin,” he muttered as he wiped it away, but his eyes were still glassy and the skin on his face had gotten patchy from trying to keep it all in. “Don’t walk away from me!” he exclaimed when he finally collected himself. “Please, I can do better! I can!” He wanted to see affection in her eyes – Hell, he would even take pity. He wanted her to fall softly against him, to take her in his arms and to apologize for everything, but she stood solid like a statue, like his touch was repulsive.

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tag: @eileen

words: 546

notes: --