Outside of This

Week One Day Four

Avona had just left after a small questioning session. It was the first time all week that I've had fresh and clean water as well as fresh food. I don't even know what day it is today, light hardly ever shines into my cell anyway it would be pointless to keep track. She told me to make my cigarettes last, they haven't. The first day I was here was a blur. You don't realize how comfortable you have it at Hogwarts until you're locked in what feels like a pit of hell. I should have let Finn take the fall for that. It would have been him too, he would have been locked away. I could have played the victim and falsified information, claim I was under the imperio, instead here I sit waiting for my trial and my sentencing while he's at the school laughing it up with his friends. With Integrra, my Integra. I didn't think I was possible to find love in such a short amount of time, but we did and I feel like I'm letting her down.

None of this would have happened if I said no, if i didn't let my brain work it would have failed and we could have let the body sit back in it's grave and rot. What was I thinking? Sometimes I'll just sit here and pop my knuckles, or use the straw that litters the floor to create pictures. I'd rather not waste the pages to draw seeing as I don't know how long I'll be trapped in here. That's what I am, trapped. The only difference is that I know people locked up. They surround me, they know me and I am the youngest within ear shot. Most of them moan. They're filthy. Filthy. Filthy. Filthy. I can't handle it. I thought I would be able to tolerate the chaos of Azkaban, but it is disgusting.

Yesterday I forced all of the straw in to a neat line. There were exactly five hundred and sixty three pieces. None of them were even in length, they were all different, every single piece, every single piece. There are exactly seven bars blocking my window, my cell door is split in half. Six bars make the top half and six make the bottom for a total of twelve. There are twenty two bars on either side of me, and only three on each side of the door, that makes up a total of sixty-two bars not including the window.

I miss her, I miss her smile, her laugh, her body. I miss her with my entire being. What was I thinking? I should write my brother... I should write everyone. What was I thinking? How the hell did I think this was going to help the cause, because it isn't. I'm locked away being watched by the ministry. It's not like I can give orders. I need more cigarettes.