Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2013 19:31:37 GMT -8
The harsh January winds cut like a knife all the way to the bone as they blew relentlessly. The winter had been a merciless mistress this year, heaping mounds of snow onto nearly every inch of land, threatening icy conditions, and even dropping temperatures to below zero on occasion. Cissa couldn't remember ever having a winter so fierce growing up, but then she chose not to dwell on her past as much anymore. There were too many painful memories where her childhood was concerned. Worse yet, there were memories she believed had been happy and full of love only to find a complete lie coiling underneath like a serpent ready to strike. Many things had come out during and after her father's funeral. None of it Cissa was supposed to hear, of that she was certain. To many in the family, especially her sisters, she was the baby--the one who needed protecting from the cruel and harsh realities of the world. Her only job in the family, it seemed, was to sit pretty and be as presentable as possible with the other bourgeoisie families of the magical community. Narcissa had accepted the duty reluctantly during her father's funeral. It was either go willingly and behave proper, or be forced to do so under Bells' wand. To appease her family, she did what was asked of her. Narcissa always did what was expected of her.
Today, however, Cissa turned away from conventionality of a student at Hogwarts. She had missed all her afternoon classes, and somehow found herself sitting out by the Black Lake atop a rather large boulder. She donned no hat, scarf, gloves, or even her heavy winter outerwear to protect herself from the harshness of winter. All she wore besides her usual Hogwarts uniform, was the thinly made robe with the green and silver Slytherin patch upon it. Cissa enjoyed the cold, she found it invigorating to her seemingly empty soul. The cruel cold at least made her feel something, and Narcissa was desperate to feel something--anything! She honestly could not remember the last time her heart had beat for something other than her own miserable anguish. Nothing seemed to effect her anymore. There were no joys, no sorrows, no fleeting moments of fancy between her and the boys who came calling oh so often. She was certain her sisters had been aware as well. She had grown ever more silent, choosing solitude as her companion rather than the usual gaggle of friends she consorted with. Cissa simply could not wear the mask anymore.
She couldn't even remember the last time she had felt anything. Narcissa paused, her eyes blinking with frozen eyelashes against the falling flakes of white. Yes, yes she could remember the last time she felt. Truly felt from every inch of her heart. One face had caused her such elation when she had come back from winter holiday, and that face belonged to the seventh year Slytherin boy, Lucius Malfoy. For whatever reason, the first time she looked upon his face upon her arrival to the school, Cissa had a fleeting moment of calm associated with a flutter in her chest and stomach she knew only too well as the budding limbs of love. Now, though, she felt nothing when she looked upon him. The fluttering had maintained, but Cissa couldn't feel anything anymore. She was empty, completely hollow. Ruined.
The realization of the type of man her father really was, how he squandered their fortune and his abuse towards certain people in their family had caused a great deal of conflict and guilt within her. Suddenly, being daddy's princess wasn't all it was cut out to be, and she seethed with anger towards a dead man who treated her so well, but no one else. She was also consumed with guilt and regret towards her sisters and mother, hating herself internally for being so naive to what was really going on inside their home. No, Cissa's childhood and her father's fondness had all been such a despicable lie. Angrily, her hands balled into fists and she slammed them down repeatedly upon the boulder's hard surface beneath her. How could she have been so stupid?! How could she have been such a horrid sister and daughter?! Nothing in her world seemed to make sense anymore, so why should she care if she caught her death out in the freezing weather?
There was a sour taste rising in the back of her throat, and Cissa knew the bile was threatening to overtake her stomach's reaction. It wouldn't be the first time she had vomited due to nerves, and she suspected it would not be the last. Luckily, she had become so withdrawn from nearly everyone in school, no one noticed the multiple trips to the bathroom when she emptied the contents of her stomach. Not that there was much to empty, Cissa hardly even ate anymore. She was well aware how sickly frail she looked with her paling skin, dark circles beneath her eyes, and her waning frame. She was hideous, inside and out--something she had just come to realize about herself. Narcissa Black was beginning to truly hate herself.
A sudden shudder quivered in her belly, and Cissa lurched forward, perching herself on the edge of the boulder. Violently shaking, she found herself throwing up again, and with her body's reaction came her tears. They were silent, like every tear she had wept since her father's funeral. She saw no sense in worrying others with her personal faults. She was the one who was a mess. She was the one wallowing in self loathing. She was the one who had thought many times recently she would be content with ending her own life. How could anyone live with themselves if they found their person to be so repulsive? Leaning back against the trunk of the tree growing up behind the boulder, Cissa closed her eyes and breathed heavily for a moment. Her hands and feet were beginning to ache from the cold, and she was well aware it was just a matter of time before she would need to return to the castle or risk frostbite. Or, perhaps, she could stay out a bit longer and nature would take it's natural course, ending her miserable existence. Either way, Cissa's only hope for the day was to obtain some sort of peace before it would be too late.
