Ex's and Oh's || Joram

I suppose that I should give this journal thing a shot as it seems everyone has one. Sometimes my thoughts are all jumbled, maybe it'll do me good to get my brain out on paper. So here we go:

How do I collapse a great deal of things into such a small area? The events of this past week have been nothing but hell. I've met a few new friends, opened my heart to a virgin and then slept with her, managed to meet some kid in the corridor who had a guitar, honestly I am surprised I can even remember that as I was so stoned out of my mind. He is pretty cool though, names Edwin Muler, but everyone just calls him Eddie. Made it easier to forget that Rodolphus was avoiding me, man am I thankful that he isn't anymore.

I need to talk about it though, my god that man! Seriously I have been head over heels in love with him since my third year. Sure he was coming to me because he heard about my abilities through the grapevine and he desperately wanted to get laid, but still. Rodolphus Lestrange is by far the most attractive person I have ever met in my entire life. Most people don't see it, but he is really sincere and pleasant to be around.

We had a sort of falling out for a few weeks there and it was like I was squashed in the center of a shit sandwich. Every night I would find myself drowning out my feelings, trying to push it all down and bottle it up, but I broke. I came out to my Grandmother who was nothing but supportive and for that I feel like I can take on the world. Don't take it the wrong way, I like women too I always have and always will, but when Rodolphus and I are in bed I feel like I mean something and its not just feeding my addiction. Perhaps it's all childish, but I feel ALIVE!

After a wierd interaction he left and I followed throwing on a quick pair of clothes. We went down to the Slytherin Common Room, and talked for a while. He told me how hurt he was over Rabastan's accident and to top it off how confused he was during the shit faced night prior to the Nighthouse. (Which was a flop mind you).

I told him how hurt I was that my best friend couldn't talk to me about it even though it was pretty messed up. I know he has been dealing with a lot, but shit. When you don't send me anything back when I've been writing you. It gets me worried and I was. That was when things started to go down again, he seemed like he wanted to test me a little so I indulged him. Pancakes and sex, who would have thought that that was the way to a mans heart. Luckily I can cook. Anyway, he told me to kiss him like I meant it, and I did, and he told me to do it a couple more times so I put my all into it. Breaking down every single wall I built up in fear of rejection and went in for the kill. It was nice and even through the drunken mess if one Rodolphus Lestrange I felt something.

It was a heated affair through the night and just as intense as before, but it felt like more this go. So much passion and hardly any mindless lust, I just love the feeling of letting go and trusting someone entirely; I just hope he doesn't play games. That is not how a Joram do.

Near the end we were both so beat and tired that we crashed on his small four poster. It wasn't the first time that's happened, but it was the first time I told him that I loved him. Whether or not he heard me that's a different story. I feel that he's still conflicted and I don't blame him, but I'm just glad that he knows that it's okay to feel with me. There is no need for cold walls and barriers, because I would never let a secret go. I may be really open about myself and I'll never change, but if someone needs to confide in me I want them to know they can trust me. I just hope Rod sees that too. Other than that I am glad we are back to talking, it really tore me apart.

As for now, I feel like I can take on the world.