I'm the one who is gone || OPEN

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Ravenclaw

Sixth Year


Posts: 29

I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 2, 2014 4:14:48 GMT -8

Post by BLAIR ELISA MASON on Jun 2, 2014 4:14:48 GMT -8

flashed up in my wildest dreams,
like red blood streams,
stretch out like vast cracked ice.

Blair mumbled rapid French to herself as she furiously packed her books away after class. Her professor had slipped out before she had the chance to speak with him, just as he always did. Blair had waited patiently for the class to filter out, but the moment her eyes had met the professor’s and they were almost alone, he swept out with everyone else as if she were invisible, even going so far as to leave his briefcase behind. She had simply wanted to go over a few more concepts. The last book she had to put away was her notebook, a leather bound thing whose pages were almost filled with her neat and tidy handwriting. That notebook was essentially her lifeline, and she had many of them tucked away in her trunk. She knew some of her mates believed that this was her only notebook, but she had one for each class, and even one for just other things. Not that she would admit it, but she also kept a journal. Not that childish sort of journals where she expressed burning passions for boys or her frustrations, but rather one where she quickly wrote down things that entered her mind. The book would probably be unreadable to most, considering she switched from English to French within it almost with every other word or sentence. It was the way she liked it anyway. She had once considered writing it in Ancient Runes, but thought better of it. If someone were to read it and understand both languages, and get past her disjointed and sometimes unconnected sentences, they would no doubt benefit from it intellectually. Blair had many times considered actually writing books, and the thought was always in the forefront of her brain. But did she really want to just be reduced to an author with a lot of ideas but actually contributed nothing to society? Besides, some of her ramblings would no doubt be considered hate speech or whatever, so she would have to censor herself, and as of yet she wasn’t exactly the best at doing so.

Her fingers gently flipped the pages, her eyes going over the notes she had made throughout the year. Before she even realized it, she had sat down and began reading them over, her anger momentarily forgotten and her brain at work… not that it ever shut down. She had the innate ability to remember everything, and literally everything, she was ever taught. Sometimes she didn’t even know why she bothered to write anything down. Even as she read her notes, she realized that they worked more like reminders of when she learned something rather than the information that she had collected. Everything was still fresh in her mind, even things that she had learned at the very beginning of the semester. She didn’t know anyone who had such a talent, and therefore Blair automatically assumed she must be the smartest person at the school. It was rare that Blair had someone who was even close to being an intellectual match and sometimes she felt as if her mind was going to waste. She could remember faces, facts, birth dates, and even things that other people had told her. It seemed to clog her brain at times, as she couldn’t remember how much she should admit to remembering about others. Most of the time she didn’t care whatsoever, but sometimes she felt like her intelligence was a bit of a burden. It isolated her, and even professors didn’t want to humour her and have conversations after classes. Weren’t teachers passionate about their subjects? Was it not why they taught them in the first place?

Blair sighed and allowed her head to slip into her hands, her eyes staring unseeingly at the pages in front of her. This was all a waste of time, and it wasn’t like she could skip forward and graduate early. If she could have, she would have ages ago. Everyone knew that she got perfect grades on everything. She felt so immensely bored, and wished that she could be doing something better with her time. She was wasting seven years of her life at this school and although she was sure it was a fine establishment, she wasn’t in need of what it had to offer. In seven years… she remembered when she was in Muggle school when she was younger. Her mother had insisted as she had been a woman who took pride in the fact that she was a Muggle. Her father, for some reason beyond Blair, had agreed. She had never stayed in the same year for long, and when she started Hogwarts, she was nearly finished with Muggle school at the tender age of eleven. She was much, much younger than her class mates, and she supposed if she was a Muggle she would have been finished with University a few times over by now. Her mother always thought that she was cheating somehow, as if intelligence was something that witches could just conjure up. It was one of the first things that had become toxic in her relationship with her mother. She was quite glad when her father grew tired of her as well and they divorced. She had a much, much better relationship with her father. He always nurtured her abilities, and for this she was admittedly grateful.

Blair had no idea how long she sat there for. The sun shone in through a window leaving a line of light diagonally across the marked and scuffed floors. Dust floated through the light as if dancing, and the evening overcame the room as Blair just sat there, alone with her thoughts. It was a common thing for her to be able to just lose herself in her mind, and it was one of the reasons why some of the professors worried for her. Sometimes, like at the moment, she even missed dinner due to simply forgetting, busy sitting there and thinking. She always pulled away from any sort of offer of help as she knew that she didn’t need it. There was nothing wrong with being an intellectual, even if it did mean a couple of missed meals or outings. One day she knew that they would see it, too.

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I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 8, 2014 17:12:08 GMT -8

Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 17:12:08 GMT -8

“ walking with a friend in the dark IS BETTER THAN WALKING ALONE IN THE LIGHT ”
| Helen Keller

The Great Hall was packed full. The din of hundreds of students talking over one another echoed loudly through the open doorway, where a solitary figure lurked. Snape hovered on the threshold like an unwelcome raincloud. His eyes were cold and weary as he surveyed his peers. The cacophony put him in a foul mood, and he was loath to join in. He cast his gaze upward, to the enchanted ceiling, as though hoping to divine the will of heaven in the sky. He had to eat, but he no wish to endure dining here. The ceiling above was illuminated with a glorious sunset, but somehow its splendor only made him more irritable. It was as though nature smiled on the droning hordes. An eruption of raucous laughter from the Gyrffindor table drew his gaze back downward, but instead of landing on those responsible for the outburst, Snape's eyes fell inexorably upon the gleaming red hair of Lily Evans. His stomach lurched. No. He could not face the Great Hall tonight.

His mind made up, he darted to the Slytherin table. Muttering some excuse to Lucius, he wrapped up a pork pie and absconded before anyone could call him back. He walked quickly, wandering away in no particular direction. He entered what he believed to be an empty classroom, only to find himself staring at someone he knew. The surprise of discovering Blair, followed quickly by amusement, helped distract him from his bad temper. If there was anyone's company he would not mind right now, it was hers. He did not have to put on airs with her. The two of them had become acquainted over the last couple years, they even shared a table in Potions these days. She was a brilliant witch, and one of the few people Snape felt could keep up with him intellectually. She also had a dark side, that showed from time-to-time in a comment or a devious gleam in her eyes. True, she was no Lucius, but in many ways that was refreshing. Malfoy was his truest friend, but Snape did not kid himself into believing it was a friendship on equal terms. He would always be lesser in Lucius' company. Not so with Blair. She was a Half-Blood just like him.

"Well, well. Fancy seeing you here, Mason," he said clearly, moving into her line of sight so that she would be sure to notice him. He could tell by the vacant expression on her face that her mind had been wandering. "I know how much you enjoy staring at the wall, but you're missing dinner, you know. Hopeless." Despite his dry, sarcastic tone, he ripped his pie in two, and held out one of the halves for her. "What was so all-consuming this time?"

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Ravenclaw

Sixth Year


Posts: 29

I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 9, 2014 11:29:36 GMT -8

Post by BLAIR ELISA MASON on Jun 9, 2014 11:29:36 GMT -8

you are the narcissist,
you're everything you saw in me.

Blair’s focus was always absolute. When she focused on something it was like all of her other senses became dulled or useless. It was the reason why she easily zoned people out or didn’t know what was going on in her surroundings. It was mostly likely the reason that she didn’t notice Severus Snape enter the room. Then again, she always found that the boy was light on his feet and managed to slip into rooms like a shadow. She admired his stealth – although not clumsy, Blair didn’t have the talent of walking into a room and not commanding attention. Her footsteps always seemed to echo, and her hair alone seemed to gather the attention of everyone in the room (if she wore it natural, which she typically did). Then again, Blair was extremely conscientious of her movements for the most part and was no doubt less obvious than she believed. Unless she stared at the ground (which wasn’t her style), she saw the way eyes seemed to flicker over to her when she entered a room. She didn’t exactly fit in. The school seemed predominately white to start with, and everyone sort of blended together. They all sported the same hair styles and ways of moving around and sitting… or slouching, as she referred to it. It was like they were all so obsessed with not being noticed, yet they all craved attention at the same time. Blair never understood their motives. They wanted attention, but didn’t want to not follow what everyone else was doing in fear of judgment. Blair just did her own thing which occasionally earned her admiration and other times less so.

Despite the fact that she hadn’t noticed Snape immediately, she didn’t startle and jump. She managed to be calm and collected unless there was a real danger, which she was usually able to sense. Blair felt admittedly safe within the walls of Hogwarts and doubted there would be much that would cause her harm. Snape’s voice wasn’t startling, anyhow. His familiar drawl entered the room like a cool breeze. She released her head from her hands and focused her dark eyes upon one of the only students in school with eyes as dark as her own. A corner of her mouth upturned at the sight of him. Blair’s arrogance about her intelligence was unmatched, and she had difficulties having conversations with most people and usually had to censor herself in order to make polite conversation. With Snape it was different. Ever since they began sitting next to each other in Potions and she struck up conversation with the seemingly dark and brooding student she felt an instant bond. Her words never seemed to fall upon deaf ears with him, nor did he smile uncomfortably when she said something that might not be considered politically correct. She knew that his reputation within the school wasn’t the greatest, but she figured it had something more to do with his untraditional appearance rather than his sharp mind. Blair thought that if half the people who taunted him actually spoke with him that their minds would probably instantly change… well, unless people like the self-proclaimed Marauders were really as idiotic as they looked.

“Dinner?” she repeated. She checked the time and chuckled. “Oh, how crowding into a giant room with hundreds of other students mashing their food irritatingly between their teeth with no table manners like they’re wild animals is rather my favourite time of day,” she responded quite sarcastically. Blair closed her book lightly as she examined Severus. She accepted the food he held out for her without question and bit into it, unaware that she was hungry before she began to eat. “What, no beverage? What kind of service is this?” she joked in thanks as she finished the pie off. She considered his question and had to think momentarily what had initially bothered her. “Professor Whatshisface stormed out of the classroom before I could ask him about something or another…” she trailed off, the question that she had for the Professor no longer seemed important. “I think teachers should be required to stay in the classroom a half an hour after class in class there are questions or concerns or anything of the like,” Blair proclaimed. “Instead they just scurry off like rats to… where? The teacher’s lounge? Lurking in the corridors trying to catch students snogging?” The annoyance that she had felt earlier returned to her in full force and she scowled as she put her notebook away so that she wouldn’t leave it behind. “Sometimes I feel like people like you and I aren’t meant for a place like this,” she admitted. “It’s fine for the average person but…” Blair sighed in a resigned fashion. “Only a year and a bit to go, right?” She never had a problem with talking. Her mind was constantly whirring around, and her ability to switch from one topic to the next or think of something to say was endless, especially when the person she was conversing with was someone like Snape. She didn’t have to worry about offending him or confusing him with multi-syllable words.

Her eyes flicked the window and saw the sun setting. It wasn’t a particularly glorious sunset by any stretch of the imagination. No wonder she ended up out of her common room after hours. She managed to waste hours without even moving. She wondered what other students did with their free time, unaware that the average student took hours to finish even a single assignment. They didn’t all possess the brain that she did.

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I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 10, 2014 16:20:25 GMT -8

Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2014 16:20:25 GMT -8

Snape himself was sneaking away from the wild animals at feeding time, so he appreciated her sarcasm on the subject. Some of the Slytherins ate with some amount of grace – the Purebloods who had to cultivate their refined superiority – but it was true that many students abandoned all decorum. They stuffed food down their throats as though starved for a week. Paying too close attention to them eating was enough to ruin the appetite. Of course, Severus had dodged out of the Great Hall less for that reason than that he sought refuge from their droning, tiresome, headache-inducing noise. He did not care about the problems or petty revelations of any of the rabble. Not even the prospect of talking with Lucius had been enough to endure the peripheral cacophony. (It was not as though he and Lucius could discuss too much of worth at the table anyway, with all those prying ears.) Fortune had smiled on him, to have instead wound up with his friend in a place where the two of them could speak at their leisure. A little smirk curled the corner of his mouth. "Be grateful I didn't eat the whole thing in front of you, Blair. Teach you a little object lesson, perhaps?"

He sat down on the desk opposite her and took a bite of the pie. Up close, Severus probably looked awful. He had not been eating or sleeping well for weeks. There were dark circles under his eyes; his face was gaunt and worn. He always had that pallid complexion and weedy, un-nurtured appearance, but it had become heightened by his internal grief, of late. It had not, however, dimmed the coals of his eyes, nor dulled the wit of his tongue. The physical self ailed, the spirit within endured, if perhaps a bit the worse for wear. Blair, by contrast, looked healthy as ever. She was much more immaculate than her companion, not that it was difficult to be, or not that such things mattered. They were cerebral types. Those without a brain judged based purely on looks, it was the mark of a thinking person to weigh character by greatness of mind.

"If the professors truly cared about cultivating our minds, then they would stay behind after class," he agreed. "Most of them are idiots, good for teaching the basics, not much more. Even those who know the advanced things, like McGonnagal, refuse to teach it out of turn. They expect us to wait for the idiots in our class to catch up, before moving on. If they spent more time focusing on the brightest students, instead of wasting it on hopeless ones, then they'd be better teachers. People of our intelligence could do better, you're absolutely right. We should be getting extra lessons, not playing hide-and-seek with the professors just to ask a question or two."

He understood Blair's frustration completely. He loved Hogwarts; it meant more to him than his words could express, but he outpaced the classes. Too often, he was being taught things that he had mastered years before. Snape had dealt with the discrepancy between his genius and the curriculum by using every opportunity to impress. If he was required to write an essay on something he already understood, he took the opportunity to speculate beyond the reference texts. Where most students unthinkingly regurgitated whatever definitions their books gave them, Severus used his own intellect as his primary source material. He could postulate further than any book he had yet to come across. The professors had started giving him length limits, instead of minimums, or else they ended up with excessively long (though undeniably impressive) reports.

"That's why it's so important that we take our education into our own hands," he continued his train of thought aloud. "We can't depend on the professors to have our best interests at heart. They're just going through the motions of a job. It's up to us to reach our full potential." His smirk returned. In truth, he savored that independence. It meant that the little Slytherin owed his greatness to nobody but himself. Bits and pieces were influenced or facilitated by the staff, but the lion's share of his education was thanks to his own enterprising thirst for knowledge. He supposed that Blair's interest in the subject was a purely intellectual one, given that she was a Ravenclaw. There was nothing wrong with that, but Severus was in it for the power that came with expertise and understanding. It was satisfying in itself to learn, but oh so much sweeter to use that knowledge for personal gain.

"At least Slughorn is cooperative. He lets me check out anything I like from the restricted section," Snape affirmed with a tiny note of pride in his voice. He was one of the Potion Master's favorites, naturally. He wondered whether the Ravenclaw Head-of-House was as obliging as his own. "Is Vector helpful with that, or do you go to someone else? I know I've seen you with a book or two from back there."

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Ravenclaw

Sixth Year


Posts: 29

I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 11, 2014 12:13:15 GMT -8

Post by BLAIR ELISA MASON on Jun 11, 2014 12:13:15 GMT -8

It was almost like students at dinner were trying to mark their territory as if eating the most meant that they were leader of the pack or something. Blair didn’t understand it herself. They all looked like they were gawking and trying desperately to be liked by those sitting around themselves, but she didn’t really care to see what they had chosen to stick in their mouth particularly while it was in their mouths. Blair always found dinnertime to be troublesome. Even though she had friends and had places to sit, she didn’t coordinate with her friends like everyone seemed to so either she showed up too early and was almost done by the time she was sat with or vice versa. Besides, she found eating something that she preferred to do in silence for the most part and if she did so people would begin pestering her about what was wrong. Why did people always think that there was something wrong with her? She was grateful that her evening turned out like this anyway, with the one person that she actually liked being around the most. Some people found their relationship a bit odd, but Blair thought those people were all odd anyway so it didn’t really matter.

She laughed. “Yes, well, I suppose a little gratitude is in order.” Severus’ dark features always seemed to be in a neutral state. It was a little unnerving but it was very practical. Without outright necessarily showing the person you were with your true emotions on a subject you automatically had the upper hand. Blair stopped being bothered by it ages ago. Rather she took his neutral expression in stride and took it as an opportunity to say what she wanted. She never really knew what he really thought of things. For all she knew he thought that she was a raving lunatic and just thought her amusing. She doubted it very much but the option was always in the forefront of her mind. It wouldn’t be the first time she was called such things.

“You look tired,” she stated bluntly. She might not read emotions overly well but dark circles and paler than usual skin wasn’t exactly hard to read. Blair took a drink of the water that she always carried around with her. Hydration was the essence of energy and being alert and she took that information very seriously. “Anything serious keeping you up, or just the usual?” by ‘the usual,’ she was implying his mind running. Her own was always doing the same and she frequently had bouts of insomnia. Those were the nights where she scribbled in her notebooks the most, her handwriting sloppy and practically illegible. She wasn’t stupid enough to go wandering because she couldn’t sleep. Blair never wanted to empty her mind but rather wanted to nurture it even if was at two o’clock in the morning. She didn’t know why some people complained about being unable to sleep due to a racing mind. Some of her best ideas and thoughts came during the middle of the night.

Blair listened intently. She was always a very good listener and managed to focus on the person speaking even if what they had to say was dull and unimportant. She always figured that people didn’t grasp even the simplest basics because they were either too busy not paying attention, interrupting, or thinking of what they were going to say next. Blair always listened as well as she could and then would think of how to respond only after the speaker had finished. As well as being polite, it also helped her grasp what they were trying to get at better. “I really don’t understand why the classes aren’t separated based on skill. Why must we be taught with the bottom feeders and those who most likely have just enough magic to even qualify for this place? Why can’t there be a separate class for the gifted?” she was past trying to have modesty. “You’re right, too. The smarter classes could have more classes while the otherwise-talented could just have whatever they needed to scrape by to get into those mediocre and unsatisfying professions that they tell themselves that they want.” She hated having to sit around and listen to everyone else struggle. “If students stopped asking the professor to repeat themselves and go over the basic concepts over and over, I’m willing to bet that we’d actually get more learning in.” Blair always had a hard time not rolling her eyes in class when certain students just couldn’t get it. Every so often she would blurt out that they should just remedial lessons on their own time but apparently that was frowned upon and she would lose house points. She personally didn’t care much about the house point system but she disliked the silly and snide comments directed toward her whenever she lost them.

She nodded and smiled lightly. “Oh, that’s why I’ve been sending out for more advanced textbooks and the like. I always end up finishing my textbooks before summer even ends. I always manage to sell them to students, too, so I’m not usually out any money. It’s all up here anyway,” she said as she tapped her head for a second. “At least the books I actually bring with me are more in-depth and go beyond the basics that our textbooks do. Sometimes I even struggle to believe how absolutely basic our classes are. They tell us that Mortimer Lainstein invented fourteen different potions to heal acne, but they don’t explain how he came about doing so. Lainstein was actually accused of stealing at least seven ideas from other people, and the remaining seven were discovered by him doing experiments on Muggles while he was trying to learn the properties of skin. He wasn’t even truly trying to come up with an acne cure; he was trying to do something greater. He was trying to learn about the skin and its properties in hopes of being able to determine how to create spells or potions that may perhaps cause the skin to turn into a barrier against curses and spells. Sadly, he failed and will forever be remembered as the Pimple Master.” It wasn’t unusual for many potion masters to have created certain potions by illicit means. Blair wasn’t necessarily against these means. After all, it was for the greater good. She just felt saddened by the fact that the vast population of wizards didn’t know the history of it all. What was the point in knowing something if one didn’t know it thoroughly? If something were to go wrong, they wouldn’t even be able to begin to come up with a way to fix it.

Blair tapped her fingers on her desk rapidly for a few moments lost in thought before she remembered how many people complained about how irritating they found her tapping. She stopped and placed her hands in her lap in order to avoid temptation. Her eyes lit up at Slughorn’s name. “Oh, he’s wonderful. He never even looks at the books I want to sign out anymore; he just signs the slip and sends me on my way. There is absolutely horrible stuff back there! Horrible… but great.” She knew that many people would not put those words together but she didn’t know why a person was forbidden to find things horrible and great simultaneously. “I’m actually surprised that Hogwarts even keeps such books and doesn’t lock them away properly. A person could learn how to do some pretty unspeakable things through those books. I mean, most of it is rather advanced and I don’t know why the average student would want to do them, but it’s not that difficult if one were to put their mind to it…” she had been guilty of copying certain spells and potions into her notebooks. Some of them she was fascinated by or found that they would be useful in the future, and others she wanted to alter to get results that were closer to what she desired. Blair felt a sadness wash over her. She felt somewhat hopeless and lost but wasn’t sure how to put it into words so she chewed on her lip in order to try to get her thoughts in order. She loved to talk about nearly anything that had to do with advancing one’s knowledge but at the same time she felt held back and useless. Most of her ideas were constantly on the backburner as she completed Hogwarts and she worried that those inspirations would go stale by the time she could get around to them or that someone else would have a similar idea as hers and go about it before her.

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Last Edit: Jun 11, 2014 12:13:55 GMT -8 by BLAIR ELISA MASON

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I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 11, 2014 19:38:14 GMT -8

Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2014 19:38:14 GMT -8

Tired wasn't the half of it. Severus liked a lot of things about Blair. She was smart, sarcastic, and dependable good company; but sometimes she could be a little too brusque. She had the bad habit of stating exactly what was on her mind, even if it was a personal remark. Tact was not one of her strengths, as she was proving yet again. She had observed that he looked weary, and speculated that the reason might not be positive, so she made an inquiry – as plain as that. Severus' eyes darted away from her, and his lip twitched in disquiet. Vexation was evident in his face; a rare change to his habitually indifferent mask. The thing, or rather the person, that disturbed his sleep was a serious matter to him, undeniably, but he could not bring himself to discuss it, even with Blair. She, if anyone, might have understood or at least sympathized with his situation. However, the heart was not something he was equipped to speak about; it was too close, too personal, too frightening. His free hand began to fidget in a nervous tick. "I... It's nothing," he muttered. He took another bite of pork pie to give himself something to do.

It was only with great effort that he drew himself out of his dark mood and looked back at Blair. He nodded along to her tirade, agreeing completely. "Yes, a system based on ability, not age, would be much better. But they'd never go for it. This is the way it's always been done, and you know the school governors are sticklers for tradition. Blind is what they really are. They want to stifle us. Free thinkers are too dangerous, because people like us refuse to fit the mold or play by their rules. They're feckless, and they're afraid of our potential. That is the real reason we don't get special treatment, like we deserve." It was a particularly Slytherin point-of-view, and a cynical one at that, but it held a grain of truth. Intelligence was a thing feared by those without it. People like Severus and Blair could conceive things on a whole other level than most of the people in power; therefore, they were a potential threat to the status quo. The weapon of genius gave them the power of change. If directed in the right way, they could be great instruments for their cause, and that was what Snape hoped to be for the Death Eaters. But anyone who stood in their way had a reason to dread their cunning. The school was simply a microcosm of the world outside, with the key differences that here there was less room for rebellion but that the consequences were less severe.

Snape caught her comment about money. He could not remember her ever speaking of her life outside Hogwarts before. Did she come from as poor a background as his, he wondered. Certainly her robes looked better than his second-hand set, but maybe she had found some enterprising way to disguise their humble origin. Snape would never have bothered with hiding his mean circumstances, just as he did not deign to keep his hair clean. Appearances did not concern him at all, even though he was harshly judged by them far too often. The people who ridiculed him for the way he looked were his inferiors in every other way; in the things that really mattered like brains and magic. Let them mock him, he would show them their much greater fallacies.

He snickered a little in response to her elocution on Mortimer Lainstein. "If only we could experiment on living subjects... Just imagine how useful that would be, and not just in Potions!" he enthused, momentarily forgetting himself in a rush of intellectual excitement. He was coming close to that by helping Tyson Edgement with werewolf blood, and it was already far more stimulating than anything he had come close to achieving in class. His head swam with the endless possibilities of experimentation. His curses, potions, and counter-curses would all benefit vastly from firsthand testing. He had done a little using himself or a few animals that he had trapped, but it was not enough. He would need real subjects to get optimal results. His eyes glowed at the thought. Perhaps one day, under the Dark Lord, he would have such an opportunity. "I could do so much, if they'd let me. And who would care if a few Muggles got hurt? It would be for the greater good of the wizarding world."

He suddenly stirred from his reverie, and looked quite startled by how candidly he had spoken. Without realizing it, he had tipped his hand. Snape forced his expression and tone of voice back into neutrality. "I'm sorry, I was getting carried away... But I'm glad the Restricted Section has as much, er, variety as it does. It shows that there's more to Hogwarts than what we're taught. We can really get a... complete education, if we go hunting through the books back there." The implication was clear enough, and Snape did not care who picked up one it. He had known more about the Dark Arts before coming to Hogwarts than most people would learn in a lifetime. It was the only useful thing his mother had ever done, to teach him all those hexes. Why she refused to turn them upon his worthless, drunkard of a father, he would never understand. But his pathetic excuse for a family was not what he wanted to think about now, or ever truth be told.

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I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 12, 2014 16:42:19 GMT -8

Post by BLAIR ELISA MASON on Jun 12, 2014 16:42:19 GMT -8

Blair noticed Severus fidget at her question. She shrugged it off. If he didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t have to. She just thought she’d give him an opening. She was damned if she asked and damned if she didn’t. People were confusing. Differing emotions and personalities always meant that different people expected different reactions and it was hard to keep track of what person wanted what so she just always asked. It was easier for them to just say it’s nothing than for her to get in shit later for not asking at all. “Okay.” She wondered if she had touched a nerve. Perhaps it was really nothing; perhaps he had just been busy conjuring up some sort of potion or pondering over theology. Perhaps it was just something that he had been going over in his mind but it wasn’t at the point of sharing yet in fear of it not making sense. Whatever the reason, Blair wasn’t going to pester it out of him. Her curiosity about the world and everything in it was boundless, but when it came to personal matters she fell into a more neutral category. Blair would be lying if she said that loathed gossip or learning about others but it wasn’t as important to her as things that were deeply important. Then again, knowing Severus it could be very important. She didn’t ask anyway. She hoped that he wouldn’t keep her in the dark if it were truly serious. She never actually contemplated how close their relationship was before. She considered him at this point to be her closest friend but had no idea if the feeling was mutual. She liked Severus’ no-nonsense attitude and how he didn’t bore her. She didn’t care that much if she was his closest friend but in that moment she wondered who else he would go to if he needed to talk. It wasn’t like they were going to make secret handshakes and trade friendship bracelets but it was just something that flickered through her mind.

“You should start a private school,” Blair suggested mostly in jest. “If I wanted children, I would rather send them to that sort of school than this one. I’d like to think that if I spawned my children would be gifted and talented and would be above this silly nonsense. It all seemed sort of meaningless in the grand scheme of things, doesn’t it? But without graduating no one will even look at you for a job. Instead of seeing you as having motivation and great potential they’ll believe you to be a slacker or someone who couldn’t cut it at school.” She didn’t even really know what she wanted to do with her life. Every job that she considered seemed stereotypical and bland. She didn’t want a bland life. She wanted to make a difference, and with her mind she knew that she would achieve greatness somehow. Blair considered Severus for a moment and tried to imagine him at some menial job like being a no one at the Ministry or a shopkeeper. She could imagine him having his own shop, probably dark and he would come out from the shadows and scare his customers. The thought almost made her laugh. Maybe when he was old, but for now she knew that he would do something more meaningful before then. “I almost feel like a job is… would it be arrogant to say that a job feels beneath me?” she didn’t know what she meant by it but she couldn’t imagine herself whittling away the hours just waiting for the weekend to come to her. She couldn’t imagine trying to advocate her beliefs on a part time basis after the clock ran out.

“Hmmm,” Blair sighed as she leaned back in her chair and allowed her head to roll back. She closed her eyes for a moment and just imagined it. “If only.” She cracked her neck gently. “All these rules and regulations… we’re just hurting ourselves in the long run. We’re setting ourselves back by merely testing on animals. And there are even people out there who want to end that, too!” she gave out a humourless laugh. “How are we supposed to advance? I guess some people don’t want to. They want everything to stay the same. I guess if I were of a lesser mind I’d be frightened of the potential instead of intrigued by it…” she had often pondered the situation but never actually voiced it before now. She was glad she hadn’t been the one who raised the topic and she respected Severus’ bravery in doing so. Blair scoffed. “What are Muggles good for anyway? Their technology is so mundane and backwards. It’s like everything they touch breaks. At least with experimentation they’ll be helping society in at least one way for once.” Her mind went to her Muggle mother and the age old resentment came to the surface. If only her mother could be one of those who were experimented on – she could see firsthand how advanced the wizarding population was compared to her own. She could feel it, experience it. The idea sent a shiver through her. She didn’t know where her mother was and probably never would, even if experiments were perfectly legal.

“I didn’t even know about half of the things before I came here. My dad taught me only about regular magic. I was startled when we first started learning DADA. I suppose I was foolish. I didn’t realize the … potential.” She chose her last word carefully. There were an abundance of other words she could put in that place, but potential was the one she had landed on and she believed it described her emotions perfectly clear. She waved her hand dismissively. “What a useless class, however. Learning counter-curses is hardly beneficial if we don’t know the curses to start with.”

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I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 13, 2014 16:56:06 GMT -8

Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2014 16:56:06 GMT -8

Cynical though his views might be on education, Severus was not entirely sure he concurred with Blair's disdain for Hogwarts. The classes were often a waste of time; the professors did not cultivate his talents as they ought to have done – but Hogwarts was his home. It had raised him far better than his sorry excuses for parents. It had provided him both opportunity and means. He had found the fellowship of those on the road to glory as well as the resources he needed to raise himself above his lowly origins. Yes, he owed his genius to no person other than himself, but he owed Hogwarts too. As much as he might complain about this or that, the truth was that he was grateful. The school was a sanctuary for the lost boy. It had nurtured both mind and soul. He did not particularly feel like arguing that point to Blair, though. He understood some of what she felt, that resentment of being stifled. Severus simply found ways around it. That was why he was often found skulking about on his own, pushing the boundaries of what it was acceptable to learn.

He did, however, feel the same way as she did about his future. They had received that ineffectual career counseling last year, which had done little to impress Snape. Slughorn had suggested numerous things, most of which had revolved around potion making. Severus allowed that something along those lines would be a passable option – it would at least allow him to continue doing something he loved. On the other hand, he agreed with Blair's assessment more strongly. It felt beneath him. He had too much potential to waste his time in an entry-level job. And so he was left with a sense of purposeless regarding his life after Hogwarts. He had partially dealt with the issue by continuing in all of his subjects (except for History and Astronomy). That gave him a wide basis from which to launch himself into the world, after next year. Then, of course, there was another factor which had recently appeared on the horizon. He had signed his name away to the Death Eaters, to Lord Voldemort. Once he had proven himself worthy and become marked as one of them, perhaps that would be the only future he would need.

"I don't think you, or either of us, should settle for less," he responded aloud. There was a fire in his dark eyes. Truly, purposeless was only a word for endless possibility. "We are better than that. Taking just any work would demean us and waste our potential. I know there are things out there more worthy of me, it's only a matter of finding them. I won't be held back from what I deserve."

He was a little surprised to hear her side with him on what most people would deem Muggle torture. Snape knew that Blair was anti-Muggle, but it took a special kind of person to advocate or endorse using them for experimentation. He smirked, feeling relieved that she agreed with his extreme views. She was someone who truly appreciated what he meant, too. It wasn't about arbitrarily causing pain to Muggles. The point was to utilize them like the tools nature had intended them to be. "Progress takes some sacrifice," he responded with a nod. "It's surprising how many people fail to realize that or choose to ignore it, like in Mortimer Lainstein's case. Everyone is thrilled to have a treatment for spots, but they'd frown on the methods that lead to his breakthrough. Hypocrisy at its finest."

Severus smirked again, more devious this time. In the strictest sense, Blair was probably more cerebral than he was; not more intelligent, exactly, but possessed of a different, clearer sort of intelligence. However, in this instance, he had one up on her. When it came to the Dark Arts, he had been given a vast head start. In terms of sheer knowledge and understanding of the subject, Snape was unmatched within the student body. He knew that he was not the best duelist at Hogwarts, but as far as he knew, he was the only one to have actually added to the compendium of hexes with creations of his own. When he spoke, it was in a tone of dark pride. "I knew loads before I got to Hogwarts... Things they wouldn't dare to teach us in classes. Like you say, they only want us to defend ourselves, never to attack. Well, I've made good use of my time here, and I won't be caught unprepared. 'Victory lies in the attack,' after all," he quoted.

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I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 14, 2014 16:15:06 GMT -8

Post by BLAIR ELISA MASON on Jun 14, 2014 16:15:06 GMT -8

Blair looked around the classroom and pondered how many hours she had whittled away in there. Every object in the room seemed to bring her back to particular classes or students or comments made. It was like she could see people in the room without them being there, or hear whispers in her ear while all alone. She could vividly imagine a lecture going on and could remember actual lectures she had word for word. All this memorization made her head ache constantly. It was like her head was a filing cabinet which was just too full. People weren’t supposed to remember literally everything in their existence. It didn’t make for a very stable person. She just wanted to write it all down and document it. When she argued with others all she wanted to do was bring up their exact words that conflicted with their current opinion but she held back due to years of being called a freak. Blair managed to get by socially because of her ability to stifle herself, and that too created a somewhat lonely existence. She constantly felt like she couldn’t be herself. It wasn’t like she craved company (and in fact socializing usually tired her) but a person couldn’t live in solitary.

She vaguely thought of what was outside of Hogwarts’ walls, what kinds of people were out there. When she became an adult, would she find others like her who dominated intellectually? Would she be able to have frank and earnest conversations with her peers? Blair hoped that this isolation wouldn’t last forever. She needed a release. She needed others who were like her and to affirm to her that she wasn’t a freak. That although she was an outlier that she wasn’t alone. Severus was one of very, very few people who gave her hope on that front.

“Mhmm,” she agreed. “But Hogwarts doesn’t like to advertise career paths that aren’t the usual. We’re all told we should be aurors if we’re clever and gifted and to be a Quidditch player if we’re athletic and to be an intern if we’re average and… well, you understand my point. What else is there, Severus?” her eyes searched him for an answer. “I don’t want to get lost out there,” she mumbled. Her low voice was uncharacteristic and her expression of insecurity was even stranger. She imagined adulthood as a dark, black void and something that she wasn’t meant to be a part of. She didn’t fit in with being a teenager but yet couldn’t seem to find her place elsewhere.

Blair grinned at him. “Exactly my point! You really do get it.” She sighed. “I wish there was something I could do to get other people on board but people are so… closed-minded. They act like they’re so accepting of all ideas but if your ideas are different than theirs… well, you find out how accepting they really are. They all live these narrow lives with narrow beliefs and it’s infuriating.” She clenched her fists without realizing it until she felt the pain of her fingernails digging into her palms. Blair didn’t get angry easily but for her this was a touchy subject. “Maybe I was born in the wrong era. Maybe I was supposed to be born later when people finally see the light.” She paused and thought for a moment before meeting his eyes. “Or maybe I’m meant to help people do so.” An excited sort of nervousness coursed from the pit of her stomach outward. What if she were to be a part of a new world? What if she were to be a major part? But how…? Blair, being half-blood and in Ravenclaw, didn’t have a lot of doors open to her. All she had were the whispers that she overheard in corridors and stories told from professors. She had never been approached by anyone seeking to use her skills and that alone irked her. Did people not see her potential?

She looked at him with envy. “It’s so nice that you had that time to learn so much. My family… they focused more on my Muggle side than my wizarding. Besides, I love my dad, but they’re so vanilla. They don’t see the different avenues of success or power. If my dad saw the books I’ve read or the things I’ve practised…” she hadn’t meant to let the last bit slip out, but it happened and she didn’t think to worry about it. “I guess I’d be left with no parents, then.” Would he actually disown her, or would he just be disappointed? For learning about it he’d be disappointed but to know that she actually had attempted certain potions and spells… well, that was a different story.

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I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 15, 2014 12:06:24 GMT -8

Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2014 12:06:24 GMT -8

"Aurors, yeah right," he sneered. "They're the enforcers of this outdated moral code. They're the ones who ensure that nobody advances too far or delves too deep into magic that might frighten the weak or the stupid. People only want to join them for the status. They want to play the hero. How delusional... It's pathetic and misguided. Instead of standing in the way of innovation, they should be facilitating it! I mean, have we learned nothing from our own history? This is exactly what the Muggles tried to do to us in the 14th century. They were afraid of our power, and attempted to purge us from their society. The Ministry, this school, it's the same attitude – they are scared of what they can't control, and you can never control progress." He spoke with vehemence, making no attempt to disguise his ominous tone.

In his mind, the concept of evil was a fabrication of lesser thinkers. Even the Darkest of magic was not inherently wicked or 'bad' in any objective sense. Those labels were applied in ignorance, by those who lacked vision, who could not see the bigger picture, and who failed to grasp that the ends always justified the means. In the long run, it did not matter what had been done, only what had been achieved. Tangible results outweighed moral trepidation, for growth was a war not a slow trickle. Change could only come through conflict, by charging the line of convention. It would always be a fight until the oppressors simply stepped aside and gave way to the sweeping tide. There would always be another revolutionary to take the place of their fallen comrades. It was a concept 'the good guys' failed to grasp. Every time they felled a free thinker, a new 'threat' would rise somewhere else. Innovation was a hydra that could never be killed.

Severus considered Blair closely, his black eyes searching hers. Very carefully he replied, "There may be more out there... for someone like you." He dared not say more. It was far from his place to suggest what he was thinking of, that Blair would be an asset to the Dark Lord. Snape had no doubt of that fact, but his own position was still far too tenuous for him to speak plain. He could not very well suggest recruits when he had not even been fully accepted into the Death Eaters himself. Maybe one day, when he was marked and certain of his own place in the hierarchy... perhaps then he could put forward her name. Until then, she was on her own. He could not do for her what Lucius had done for him. Lucius was from the noblest of Pureblood families. He had been born with the privilege of having his voice heard. The Snape name carried no such clout. He was fortunate in having been considered at all, no matter how ingenious he was. His one chance was not worth risking for someone else, not even Blair. All he could do was hope that the right people were already watching her and had already taken notice of how valuable she could be to them.

"Don't be too envious. At least you didn't get stuck with you father's filthy Muggle name... Or him, for that matter." Deep seated bitterness tainted his voice. There was no one alive Severus hated more than his disgusting excuse for a father. The man had literally beaten his mother – a pure blooded witch – into submission, and though Sev had long since lost all respect for her, he would never forgive it. Anger boiled up inside of him, and there was nowhere for it to release except on Blair. He got to his feet, eyes cold and wrathful. "If you're going to sit here and complain about your boring, happy little family, then I'm going. Some of us have more to worry about than daddy's disappointment. Some of us have real problems."

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I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 15, 2014 13:04:49 GMT -8

Post by BLAIR ELISA MASON on Jun 15, 2014 13:04:49 GMT -8

Blair listened to Severus’ ranting with utmost attention. She was enraptured with his thought processes and she took everything he said to heart. She couldn’t help but feel validated with his speech and that her own beliefs weren’t completely out there. He understood it all and he was the first person that she ever felt a connection to and she held that position in high regard. The only thing she was disappointed by was the fact that she hadn’t met him sooner. Only knowing him less than two years didn’t seem like enough. How much further would she have gotten with her ideas if they had known each other earlier? How many feelings of emptiness would she have had to not endure? Just having one person in the entire school who understood the struggle seemed like enough for her. It made all the faking and pretending with everyone else tolerable.

“I agree completely – they’re afraid of what they can’t control. Unless you conform to their ideal and help them with their agenda, suddenly you’re locked up in Azkaban and labelled insane. How is it insane to not fit into the tiny box that they provide us?” she shook her head, her curls bouncing with each movement. She, like most people, feared Azkaban, but she thought about it often. What Blair believed in wasn’t the norm, and she was very aware of that. “Or perhaps the mental ward at St. Mungo’s,” she added, another place that she feared. She probably feared St. Mungo’s even more than Azkaban. With so many professors going to her and suggesting help and that there was something wrong with her, she always feared that someone would come along and snatch her away and call her crazy… delusional. “Life must be so much easier if one was simple. It must be so easy to go through school, go to work, retire, die… all without questioning their lives, questioning why things are the way they are, questioning… everything. I just don’t understand how many people are willing to hand themselves over to the boring and simple lives and not have any knowledge… how they can be happy without knowing everything inside and out… how they accept the awfulness in this world, how they accept death. We have so many avenues open to us and yet no one dares to cross the line. No one wants to make that first leap. All it takes is one person and then everyone else will come flooding through.” She took a deep breath to try to calm the excitement building in her. “What we need is an uprising. A riot … a revolution.” It seemed completely out there, but she knew things wouldn’t get better following the standard procedures. What was she going to do, write a letter to the Ministry explaining that she didn’t agree that magic should be limited? That she thought that she had the capabilities of creating wonderful inventions, of pushing what was out there to the boundaries? Blair knew she could do better. She had to – she wasn’t this gifted to just allow it all to waste.

“Maybe,” she conceded. “Coming from an unknown family has its downsides,” Blair added. She shrugged. “I’ll just have to get myself noticed in other ways. Someone will come to me – they have to. I know it will happen.” All that she didn’t know was how she was going to get people’s attention. She had so many plans and ideas, but there were so many of them that she struggled to come up with a clear-cut plan to make her dreams a reality. What she needed was options. She needed not only one person to register that Blair had potential, but many. She needed them to tell her what they had to offer, what their goals were. She needed to consider and then choose, but for now she was just a normal Ravenclaw girl that everyone seemed to think was just going to be a researcher when she finished school.

“You’re right there…” Blair stated. She had lucked out that her father had been the one who had the magical abilities. In the very least she had a wizarding name. People could forget about her mother. With Severus it was plain knowledge that ‘Snape’ was not from a wizard family and that in itself was a curse, especially with his intentions. She swore she saw colour rise to Severus’ face and she immediately became aware that she had said something wrong. “I don’t give a damn about my father’s disappointment!” she exclaimed, suddenly angry herself. “I was just talking, Severus!” Blair had clearly touched a nerve. He had seen something in her statement that she hadn’t intended. She didn’t know why she didn’t want him to leave. She wanted to make things right, and in that she surprised herself. Blair usually didn’t care if she irritated someone or left. She realized at that exact moment that she cared about Severus and didn’t want him upset, not only with her but in general. She guessed that caring for someone came along in the Friendship Package. It was a new emotion for her but she didn’t repress it. He was about to leave and she didn’t have the time to consider her emotions. “Then tell me your problems! I thought we were friends.” It was the first time she had said ‘friends’ out loud but it felt comfortable on her tongue. “Friends tell each other their problems. Friends don’t belittle other friends because their own problems are more pressing. If my problems are boring you, if your problems are eating you alive, then tell me for Merlin’s sake. You can trust me.” She had no one else to tell anyway. She didn’t know what was bothering Severus as their discussions usually revolved around politics and the like but she realized that she wanted to know – and not in a nosey way, either. Blair became aware that she too was on her feet. She didn’t remember getting up. She didn’t know if Severus would stay, or decide to leave and allow Blair to have made a fool of herself.

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I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 15, 2014 21:50:47 GMT -8

Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2014 21:50:47 GMT -8

Friends. The single word stopped him dead in his tracks. He was halfway to the door with his back to Blair. Severus stood still as a statue, and the color drained from his face. The anger that burned hot in his gut froze solid. A chill ran down his spine; it was the frigid cold of fear. The more she said, the more it concerned him. He had expressed a similar sentiment once... to Lily. Was it simply paranoia that turned his veins to ice? She could not mean what he was imagining. Surely, she was imploring him for the sake of nothing more than platonic concern. It was not possible for her to mean any more than that. Slowly, he turned around to look at her. Dangerous fear was written in his eyes, like a boar at bay before the hounds. He could not get a read on her, and he faltered from her gaze.

It was just him projecting onto her, he reassured himself as he stared at the floor in silence. He was particularly sensitive right now, after his disastrous confession to Lily. He was letting his own insecurities cloud his rationality. Blair was his friend, that was the word she used, and it had to be the extent of her feelings. He did not need to be so on edge, to feel so uncomfortably hyper-aware of her gender. He was being stupid, weak. Maybe that was the real problem here, he realized. Perhaps he was not frightened that she might feel affection for him; rather that he was scared to make himself vulnerable by trusting her. It was easier to cast his anxieties onto her than it was to open up and leave himself at her mercy. Trusting Blair with his problems was to let her past his guard, and leave himself defenseless against her. He would be handing her the tools to destroy him, if she wished it. Truly that was a much more terrifying concept than any unreciprocated feelings.

"It's none of your business," he hissed at the ground, before turning his back on her again. He could not be open with her. As much as he needed, maybe even wanted, to unburden his soul... He refused to expose himself to the worse pain of vulnerability. Better to suffer alone than to invite betrayal. Was that not the wiser, safer choice? People were selfish, unreliable, and deceitful. He could not trust anyone but himself to have his best interest at heart. Even Lucius, his only other friend, was just using him. Sev was not going to give Blair something she could hold over him. No, he could not trust her.

His hand was actually on the doorknob when he stopped again. Something held him back from leaving. It was a small voice in his head. Coward, it said. Severus grimaced at himself, but could not deny his fright. He was running away from the only person he had left who cared about his welfare in any real sense. It was cowardly of him, indeed, but recognizing that made him angry and frustrated with himself. He gripped the door so tightly that his knuckles turned white. "...Fine."

He whipped around and advanced until he was towering over Blair. He glared down at her, looking borderline feral. "Fine! You want to know what's wrong? Alright, how about the bastard father who beats his wife senseless – who hits me too, if I'm unlucky enough to be within reach? Or how about my mother herself, who could hex him into dust but is too pathetic to raise her wand in defense of herself or her own son? How about growing up with nothing because your parents are so fucked that they can't even earn a decent wage? How's that compare with your vanilla family? Don't pretend to know me. Don't call me your friend and think that it makes everything ok."

Severus did not entirely know what he was saying anymore. White-hot rage was pounding in his head. He threw his gaze away from her, his nostrils flaring as he breathed heavily in anger. That wasn't even all. As he stewed in his fury, his thoughts turned reflexively to Lily. She made him furious, too, for the way she had rejected him. He had prostrated himself before her, revealed his deepest feelings, and it had done nothing but reveal how unobtainable she would always be to him. He disgusted her, and it hurt so much that he felt murderous. But that, that was one thing he was determined never to admit, not to Blair or anyone else. He should have take his love to the grave in silence, and he was paying dearly enough for his indiscretion. He refused to compound the torment with further humiliation.

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NOTES hope i didn't push too hard. feel free to make blair yell back or whatever you want.

BLAIR ELISA MASON

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Sixth Year


Posts: 29

I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 16, 2014 5:58:57 GMT -8

Post by BLAIR ELISA MASON on Jun 16, 2014 5:58:57 GMT -8

Blair felt temporary relief when Severus stopped and didn’t leave the room. She felt like her stomach was in knots – was she about to be sick? She didn’t know what sort of can of worms that she had opened. Either she would have made him realize that she was right or she had just infuriated him further. She couldn’t see how it could possibly be the latter. She had just opened up to him slightly. It must have made him feel important, wouldn’t it? Blair didn’t want to argue with Severus. She wasn’t used to arguing about personal matters as she usually just dropped the issue when someone became tense as she didn’t really care. This was totally different, though. Maybe if he just let out his anger it would make him feel better… but that didn’t stop her from wishing that he wouldn’t express his anger at her. Couldn’t he just take it out on some younger student that he didn’t know? Or maybe his anger was a result of not having someone to talk to. His body was still tight. She bit her lip unsure what would come out of his mouth if he were to turn back to face her.

When Severus finally turned she knew that she couldn’t read him. It was impossible. His eyes slid from hers and she didn’t know what it meant. Did it mean that he was going to concede to her or that he realized that this friendship – or acquaintanceship, whichever – was more than he bargained for? Had she been too forward with expressing her opinion that they were friends? If this wasn’t friendship, Blair felt like she never would know what it really was. If she had a problem and he asked she would tell him without even thinking about it. It just so happened that her problems were typically created in her own mind from worrying about the current order of things. Her personal life was rather uneventful, and he had a point: she didn’t have much to complain about with her home life. Her mother had left, true, but Blair didn’t care for her much anyway and it had been an improvement since she up and disappeared.

It seemed as if she really had overrated their relationship when he told her it wasn’t her business. She knew that it wasn’t, but wasn’t everything no one’s business but their own? People shared. She knew at least that much was true. Blair felt admittedly rejected. For the first time in her life she had wanted to share a title with someone else, something other than a classmate, and it was turned around on her and belittled. How could he think so lowly of her after spending countless hours together, pouring over the hopeless politics of their everyday lives; of sharing opinions and beliefs that would have them shunned by the rest of the student population? Blair could hear the word ‘freak’ in her head over again. That had to be it. It had to be the reason why she didn’t connect with anyone, why people turned on her so easily; why they talked about how strange she was behind her back. Blair could remember every hurtful thing anyone had ever said to her and it was one of the curses of her nearly-perfect memory. All those words and sneers crept up in her mind and made her feel small and weak, and that was a difficult feat considering the strong amount of pride that kept her back straight and shoulders back at all times.

Blair worried for a moment that Severus might strike out at her as he approached her rather quickly. He was taller than her and looked menacing. For the first time since they had met, Blair could see what the others did. His features were hardened by the tension in his face and his dark eyes contrasted against his pale skin frightfully. She realized that she felt intimidated… yet another unfamiliar emotion. She watched his lips move, and if words could have a physical impact she would have been hit over and over again. Blair flinched at his words involuntarily. When he looked away, Blair allowed a heavy silence to hang over them. Her mind for once was completely still. Her eyes studied the young man before her and she was at a loss for words. She hadn’t meant to be comparing or complaining when it came to her family, she thought she had just been discussing. Blair supposed that part of his rage came from jealousy that she had a vanilla life; one that he could never have.

She reached up and touched his face lightly and redirected him so that he was looking at her. His skin felt cool against her warm hand and she kept it there, cupping his face for only a moment but what felt like an hour. She knew that he would probably be repulsed by her touch but she had done it anyway. If she had it her way, she would have taken him into her arms and held him. Every nerve in her body was telling her to separate the distance between them and try to let him know that she cared in a way that words would never be able to express. Blair hated physical contact but Severus was different. She always wondered why people hugged each other in upsetting times but she knew exactly why in that moment.

“No, I don’t know you,” she said honestly. “But it doesn’t mean that I…” Blair shook her head and glanced away for only a moment. If she had the foresight to know that this was going to happen she wouldn’t have stuck around in the classroom. But how could she have predicted that he would find her? There had been boundless empty classrooms that he could have stumbled into, but he had stumbled into hers. Blair wasn’t a believer in fate but this seemed pretty damn close. Her face hardened at his story. “It doesn’t even compare to my vanilla family, nor would I have ever said that it did.” How could such a smart man believe something as silly as her thinking that the mother she wanted to leave leaving was nearly as torturous as what Severus went through? “Being a friend doesn’t mean it makes it all better. It just means… look, I’m just trying to tell you that I’m here for you. I… damn it, this isn’t easy for me either, okay?” she felt like a bumbling idiot and no doubt looked like one, as well. “There is nothing that I can say that will make what you’ve gone through be better. No one can predict the insecure behaviours of Muggles. You and I just happen to have unfortunately descended from such filth.” Blair’s words were angry. She could feel her hands shake slightly. “Look at you, Severus. You’re seventeen years old and you’re more of a man than your father could ever be. He tried to bring you down, he tried to take the fight out of you, yet you came out on top. You’ve won.” She shrugged her shoulders. “As for your mother – it’s incomprehensible to me, but from some of the books I’ve read, apparently it’s common for beaten wives to stay out of fear of not being able to make it on their own, from trying to not break their family, from thinking that no one else will love them. I’ve never been in that situation so I don’t know for sure,” she held up a hand, feeling as if Severus was going to interrupt her. “Regardless, there are no excuses. Both of them are weak. This is what happens when Muggles and wizards mingle. Nothing good! They just taint us with their blood; they just try to beat the power out of us. The Muggles believe that it’s a power struggle when really it’s like a bird playing tug-of-war with a peaceful tiger. The tiger could win at any time but refuses to pull hard because he’s trying to make it a fair fight. But that tiger could pull at any time, and not only could he win the game, he could also eat the bird.” She was never sure if her analogies made sense, but she was talking quickly in hopes of trying to show Severus that she cared and that she was absolutely appalled by his home life. She didn’t want to burden him with false clichés or with empty consoling words. Blair, like usual, spoke her mind and the words came out as soon as she thought them. “Muggles are weak and they know that we’re stronger, better, more evolved. Sev, your father was trying to even the playing field, and is no doubt still trying to do the same thing when you’re not around to your mother. Your mother has been weakened by love and she lets him. It’s why he thinks he can get away with it. But he mustn’t.” She took a breath in what felt like the first time in forever. She hoped that she made sense to him. She hoped that he wouldn’t storm out on her or misplace his anger on her again. Blair could feel her heart fluttering uncomfortably. She didn’t know her friendship with him had meant this much to her. Before she had taken it for granted and didn’t think much about it. Their friendship had always felt so effortless that she didn’t know how involved she had made herself. Now that it was being tested, she had this fierce need to fight for it.

tag: @sev
notes: hah, apparently I got inspired.
apparently sev's history only deepens Blair's hatred for Muggles...
good job =P

Deleted


Posts: 0

I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 16, 2014 16:41:45 GMT -8

Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2014 16:41:45 GMT -8

The warm, soft touch on his face surprised him. Blair gently guided him to look back at her. The simple act of compassion – something Severus had so little experience with in his miserable, lonely life – broke him down. His face was still taut, hardened with anger and anguish, but the change was in his eyes. Sorrow, regret, and fear merged in those black depths, as he looked in silence at his friend. He listened to her speak, enrapt by her words and more so by the expression of her concern for him. She was saying all the right things; angry on his behalf, frustrated by his misfortune much as he was himself, and calm where he could not be. It was everything he needed to hear. She did not wound his pride, she commiserated with him on his level. The anger inside him deflated, to be replaced with an overwhelming sense of grief. The weight of all his troubles came down upon his squared shoulders, and they crumbled. He hated to show such weakness, but somehow he and Blair had passed the point that it mattered. In the last few minutes, something had irrevocably changed between them. He had carried his burden alone his whole life, not speaking of his feelings even with Lily, for fear of her pity. But Blair did not pity him, she did not lessen him.

Severus did not say a word, only looked at her unguardedly, for the first time since they had met. He felt frightened, like a little boy in a storm, but the thunder was his doing. Unleashing his anger had opened him up to the flood, and all the emotions he suppressed for so many years, with so much fervor, were raining down upon his head. He wrenched shut his eyes. He did not want her to see the pain raw in his gaze. Yet he did want reassurance. He felt unsteady, so he bent his head to rest upon her shoulder. It was comforting; the physical contact helped to soothe the turmoil inside of him. He remained there, still and quiescent, until he regained control of himself. Slowly, he lifted his head and took a step back. He felt better, but also slightly ashamed. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

Sev shook his head, wanting to return to his normal self, but now there was a palpable awkwardness in the air. He could not reconcile how truly vulnerable he had just made himself. Yes, he had released some of his anger, but he had also shown himself to be incredibly weak. And what of Blair herself; What did this mean for the two of them and their friendship? Would she ever look at him the same, could they go back to discussing philosophy and politics like nothing had happened – like he had not just turned to her for comfort? Nervously, he licked his lips. He was not sure what to say, but he needed to say something. The silence was pressing. "I, er, I don't know what came over me. I've never really... talked about them, my parents. You, you're right about them. I won't let my father break me. I'll break him," he vowed, confidence surging back into his tone of voice.

Something else she said was ringing in his ears. 'Your mother has been weakened by love...' That was exactly what had happened to him. Severus was being eaten away by his unrequited love for Lily. It had taken its toll on his body, his heart, and – he considered for the first time – perhaps on his head as well. If not for love, how much more might he have been; how much stronger the steel trap of his mind? Without the pining, the obsessing, he could have devoted all of himself to his own genius, not merely a piece. He had never thought of it that way before. He knew that his feelings for Lily were his greatest weakness, but Sev had never considered them to be holding him back. Was he the same as his mother; had he simply not seen how toxic love could be? Emotion was the death of reason. He wondered if the only solution was to cut himself off completely.

TAG BLAIR ELISA MASON
NOTES btw you're totally right about him being jealous of her happy family (such as it is) lol

Last Edit: Jun 16, 2014 16:55:18 GMT -8 by Deleted

BLAIR ELISA MASON

?Siri?

Ravenclaw

Sixth Year


Posts: 29

I'm the one who is gone || OPEN Jun 17, 2014 4:03:09 GMT -8

Post by BLAIR ELISA MASON on Jun 17, 2014 4:03:09 GMT -8

Many people had a preference for light eyes over dark. The lighter the eyes, the more people swooned. Blair always found herself preferring the opposite, and looking into Severus’ nearly black eyes only proved her point to herself. No one ever had purely black eyes, and in the glowing light of the fading sun, she could see the brown within them. To Blair, brown eyes showed emotion much more deeply than light eyes like blue or grey. It wasn’t that she couldn’t see the aesthetic appeal in lighter eyes but light eyes always looked like they were piercing right through you. She watched as his eyes softened slightly. She never noticed before in anyone how just the slightest change in muscles or a glance showed completely different things. Blair had always assumed that she couldn’t read people but perhaps she had always been looking for the wrong things. Instead of looking for grand gestures she should look for the little movements; the ones that no one thought that they were showing.

It was almost like Severus was an overinflated balloon and that someone had let a little air out. She could see clear as day that he didn’t feel better by a long shot but if she had managed to provide him any relief from being there, she would be happy. Caring about him seemed stressful. If she felt this worried over one single person, how did people care about multiple people? Entire families, groups of friends, acquaintances? She knew that some people cared about almost everyone they met, or even people that they’ve never met and had only stories about. People occasionally called Blair mental, but she disagreed. They had to be the mental ones for caring about so many. It caused an ache within her as if she had taken some of his grief, this grief that she couldn’t understand. She didn’t want to vocalize her feelings in fear that he would interpret them the wrong way, but she knew that these emotions would end up filling pages within her journal which was a feat all on its own. Blair wanted to tell Severus about her journals and she wanted to tell him that he had the honour of being the first person that she wrote about other than just in an observational manner. She couldn’t do it, though, but it made her feel a little more connected to him that she had even considered it, no matter how brief the moment may have been.

It was strange to her that just a touch and a few words had managed to elicit such a change in him. Maybe she wasn’t as oblivious as she believed herself to be. Her hand at her side still tingled like she had taken a part of him with her. The silence that fell while they looked at each other felt like it had a physical weight but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It collected Blair up in its warm embrace like a warm summer’s breeze. It was like a sense of understanding had passed between the two of them and she never thought that she’d have this moment, especially not while she was out of school. She felt confident about what she had said, like what she had said had made sense to him.

Severus placed his head on her shoulder and she raised her hand again and placed it on his shoulder to let him know that it was okay. Blair felt like she could stand there for hours like that if it would make him feel any better. She wished that she could take some of the pain from him somehow. It didn’t seem fair that she had led a fairly unburdened life so far and yet this young man had all of this hidden inside of him. She didn’t want to go to the spot in his brain where he kept all of this repressed and hidden away. Blair couldn’t imagine how much it ate away at him. She didn’t know how he kept such a strong composure. In a way, Blair looked up to Severus. She thought him brilliant and strong with a good head on his shoulders. What he was proving now was that he was all that she thought him to be but with so much more behind it. How did he keep it all together?

Blair shook her head dismissively. “You’ve done nothing wrong.” No, who had been wrong were his parents. Severus endured. His father was an abuser; his mother was neglectful. Why ever would Severus apologize?

“Really? It must be eating you alive,” Blair commented. She sat back down in order to try to regain the casualness of their conversation from earlier even though her anger bit away at her uncomfortably. “As you should,” she agreed. “I…” she paused, unsure if she should continue her train of thought, but did so anyway. “Honestly, after what you told me, I’d like to see that.” She wasn’t lying or exaggerating, either. A man so vile… he deserved it. “He really does need to be put in his place as he’s obviously seemed to have forgotten it.” Some people – they overpower a group of people and seem to think that they’re impervious to everyone when they’re just giving the people they’re oppressing the anger necessary to rebel back against them. She hoped that Severus would use the emotions that he non-verbally expressed to her and used it to fight back. She didn’t like the image of him cowering with his father over him, beating him with his bare hands or a belt or anything else in reach. Severus had the power to do something about it. Well, so did his mother, but she was clearly too weak-minded for it. Severus could change the dynamics of his family within seconds. He had the talent, and he had the drive. All she figured he needed was the encouragement, which she was more than willing to offer.

“Tell me,” Blair began hesitantly as she clasped her hands together in her lap. “How would you break him? If he were standing in this room right now… what would you do? Maybe if you talk about it and get it out of your system it’ll help you for now. It just might give you the drive it will take to no longer take what he decides to dole out. Maybe next time he has an abusive whim, you’ll actually have a backup plan. Do you know what I mean?” She hoped that she wasn’t pushing her already nearly-exhausted luck with him. She wasn’t a sadist – it wasn’t like she was trying to encourage Severus to torture her father – but she just hoped that if he had a system in his mind that the next time his father lashed out he might not be so afraid to raise his wand and be able to escape.

tag: @sev
notes: ahhhh hope this is okay, I haven't slept lol