if it weren't for second chances || allison (CLOSED)

Movement startled the hell out of Noah. His torso swung off and his beanie fell to the floor as he looked around the room in surprise before his eyes fell upon the blonde at his feet. He laid back down where he was, not even bothering to remove his feet off of Allison’s lap and placing his hat back on his face. “I was enjoying my nap,” he told her, his voice muffled. He wasn’t in the mood to show anger; he wasn’t in much of a mood to do anything. He felt so lethargic that he felt like he could just lay there all day. Weed always calmed him quite a bit anyway, although it was taking more and more to actually be able to sustain the high. Even though he and Allison had a major blowout fight recently, it was like none of it ever happened. It was Noah’s way, especially with her. He would always just go back to normal like he hadn’t freaked out. Perhaps it was why whenever it didn’t work with another girl he always ended up back with Allison. She knew how to handle him. Noah was a little frightened of finding out how Eileen might react to one of his outbursts, but the two of them usually spent time alone, almost like they were in their own private little bubble. She was always calm and collected, which usually caused Noah to act the same way.

“You just get back from practice?” he mumbled to her, as she had looked a little dirty in the small amount of time in which he had looked at her. She seemed quite civil lately. Perhaps she had finally taken the hint. Her shows of civility toward him made Noah a touch suspicious. Was she seeing someone else? Even though Noah didn’t want her, a part of him didn’t want her having anyone else either. He knew it was probably how she felt toward him, too, but it didn’t make him feel any better. It still frustrated him. 

Noah yawned before finally pocketing his hat again and readjusting his position so that he was propped up against the armrest of the couch, feet still in her lap. She managed to make being dirty look good. Why couldn’t she just look like all of the other female Quidditch players? No, she always looked like everything about her was intentional, from the dirt smudged on her face to the few hairs that were out of place. She made everything difficult just by being pretty.

Noah had the urge to roll his eyes, but resisted. “Out there alone again, were you?” he teased gently. In all honesty, Noah wished he had something to do that he was passionate about, that he could spend hours and hours at and not get bored with. Allison was good at Quidditch, and she loved it. He figured he probably loved Quidditch more than anything else. Noah was never particularly good at it, although he used to help her practice. He hadn’t done that in quite some time, and the memories actually made his stomach knot up uncomfortably. Every interaction with Allison felt like he was re-opening old wounds, whether they were fighting or relaxing or anything in between. It was just what happened when you felt that passionate about someone, even if they weren’t with you anymore. He doubted those feelings would ever go away, especially not with Allison around all the time.

Noah raised an eyebrow at her. Of course that would peak Allison’s interest. “Yeah, I think someone told me something about that,” he pinched the bridge of his nose as if trying to recall. “I think it was someone’s sister at Hogwarts. Nasty business, huh? I wouldn’t want to have to be the person to tell her.” He had no knowledge that the person killed had been the hooker he had spent too much money on. He had no reason to know, nor did he read the Prophet. “You think security would be a little stricter with a murderer on the loose,” he added, thoughtfully. “Whatever. As long as they’re not after me, I don’t give a shit,” he finished with a small laugh, not taking it seriously like he never took anything seriously. He looked at Allison with a small grin on his face. “Why? Are you scared?” he mocked. 

He doubted that Allison was scared. He wasn’t aware that she was scared of anything. Maybe of losing him – well, at least he hoped so. No one wanted to believe that someone they cared for wanted to be rid of them. But that wasn’t a real fear, anyway, was it? Allison was quite self-reliant, and if encountered he didn’t think that she would flinch in order to defend herself. It was the kind of courage that had no doubt gotten the girl into Gryffindor in the first place. Noah figured courage was the only thing that had gotten him into the House, even if it was a sort of dumb-courage … act now, think later kind of thing. If he were dating Allie, he probably would have jokingly added something about how he’d protect her, and the words almost formed on his lips, but he managed to resist. It was funny how old habits die hard. 

Allison turned away from Noah, and for a split second he almost thought that she was upset about the whole situation, but that couldn’t be it. She wasn’t Eileen. He could imagine Eileen getting upset about it, and he could also imagine himself putting his arm around her comfortingly, allowing her to cry into his shoulder. He didn’t feel anything about it, and he wasn’t sure if that made him a bad person or not. Shouldn’t he care at least somewhat, even in the back of his mind? It didn’t matter. It wasn’t like he and Allie were about to cry together about it or anything of the sort. When she turned back to him, he realized that she hadn’t been upset. She had merely turned away.

Noah’s eyebrows rose at the name. For a moment it didn’t click whatsoever. “Jessica…” he tried the name out on his lips, and then a realization washed over him. He remembered saying her name – moaning it, more like – he remembered her beneath him, her blonde hair fanned out like some sort of halo. It couldn’t be the same one… but it had to be. Why else would Allison be telling him? “You’re kidding me,” was the only thing he managed to respond with. He bit his lip uncomfortably. He didn’t know her, he didn’t care about her. The only thing he had done was fuck her. It felt like a rock sunk into his stomach nonetheless. His eyes looked at her carefully, waiting for some sort of reaction. He wanted to know what he was supposed to say. She looked like she was expecting something of him, but what? “That’s unfortunate. How did you find out?” He doubted very much that Allison had been friends with Jessica’s sister. Allison was somehow quite well-liked, though. He always figured it was some sort of mask she put on in the face of anyone but him, but it didn’t matter. She had peaked his curiosity. 

Although Noah was fairly oblivious about reading people in general, there was something slightly different with Allison. No, he didn’t read her well, but she never really seemed to care about that. As far as he could remember, she was seldom upset and he never had to guess what was wrong with her if there were. As far as Noah was aware, Allison always just blurted out what was bugging her. Usually it was anger, but he never blamed her. Short-temperedness was common within Gryffindor. It was a trait that Noah shared as well. It was one of the reasons for his and Allie’s explosive fights, ones that frequently had professors called on them and House Points revoked. There was something on Allison’s face that Noah couldn’t seem to decipher. She didn’t seem upset about Jessica’s death, nor did she seem like anything else. She brought it up like she was discussing the weather, and he was beginning to wonder if she was testing him somehow. Noah frowned. He was never good at being tested as he always had the wrong emotions. He was so distracted with his confused thoughts that he didn’t notice Allison’s strange cough.

Noah’s eyebrows furrowed. Why was she asking about Zoe? “No. I didn’t know her sister.” He responded, flatly. He could feel his heart begin to race uncomfortably fast, a physical response to him about to grow frustrated or angry. He tried to calm himself, but couldn’t. “You bloody well know who Jessica was to me, so just spit it out,” he suddenly lashed out. “It’s what you were pissed off about when we were dating. It was why we broke up. Don’t act so fucking…” he couldn’t think of the smart word that went there, so he paused, trying to come up with one. “Act like you’re being so clever.” It didn’t have the same effect as it could have if he had known a better word, like sly or cunning, but he made do with his somewhat limited vocabulary. “Why are you talking to me about it? She was just a whore, Allie.” He sighed, leaned back, and placed his hands in his face in a frustrated fashion.

He took a few deep breaths, trying to collect himself. He didn’t want to get mad at Allison, because when he did, everything always went to shit. There was hardly ever a small row between them; it was always something way over the top. They always just built on each other’s anger like they were building a tower of ill-feelings. It was the way they loved, too, but he tried to not think about that either – although it did help him catch his breath for a second. He emerged from behind his hands and studied Allison, although she didn’t seem to crack. “It sucks that she was killed, but shit, man, I didn’t know her. I met her once. Just because I fucked her didn’t mean I was bloody emotionally invested in her.” He didn’t know how to get it into words. He wanted Allison to say something, anything, to help understand what she wanted from him. He didn’t want to play games, although he knew that was what she was best at, especially if she was trying to get something from Noah.

“Jesus,” Noah muttered. What had he said this time? He could see that he had visibly upset her. Sometimes he had a difficult time keeping his stories straight, and he had the sinking feeling that he had screwed up one of them. It was hard enough to lie, harder enough for someone who had a terrible memory. His thoughts had been so concerned about Eileen and keeping her happy lately that he hadn’t been thinking of Allie much, honestly, and apparently he was a fool for doing so as he could feel his heart drop when he saw her face fall. He loathed how much power she had over him, and just the feeling he got from looking at Allison almost felt like cheating. He reached forward to touch her, maybe move her hair out of her eyes, but then he pulled his hand back. It wasn’t his bloody business that he upset her. Their relationship was over – she shouldn’t get pissy about something that didn’t even matter anymore. He looked away and all he craved was a smoke. He knew he couldn’t risk smoking in the common room – professors disliked it enough when they smoked outdoors. If he was caught doing so inside he would get his intestines served for dinner.

Noah looked back at Allison and could practically see her thinking. She was always so calculating, and Noah had never gotten used to it. Before he didn’t worry about it much because she was his, and usually what she was calculating benefited the both of them. Now it unnerved him somewhat, but he sat in silence as her wheels turned.

He looked at her and raised an eyebrow. “And how in Merlin’s name would you know that?” he asked, his interest suddenly quite peaked. The muscles in his jaw became tense as he tried to find out exactly what she was thinking, but he couldn’t get past her intense eyes and the way her hair cascaded off her shoulders. He knew he should leave, he knew that he shouldn’t continue the conversation, but it was like his body had suddenly turned to lead.

Noah’s eyes followed Allison’s pink shoes. They seemed so girlish, so innocent – so not for Allie. She always looked like the nice girl, the social girl, the one who pulled everyone in at the flick of a smile. Despite the fact that Noah could see beyond all of it, he was still enraptured by her, and it was something that he wasn’t going to deny – what was the point? Just because he still felt drawn to her didn’t mean that he had to be with her. His mind was on Eileen, and for the first time in his life, he felt fulfilled by a relationship. Eileen made him feel good about himself, she made him feel better about all of his insecurities and faults. She was nice, she was… much more than he deserved. He tried his best to be good for her. He even attempted studying, and although he wasn’t much good at it, he knew that it was better than what he did for Allison, which was skip all of his classes. His professors even admitted to him before that if he had just attended, he most likely would have passed. Sure, he would have done some homework, but his professors had told him that he shouldn’t have failed. Although he wasn’t very smart, which they were quick to admit, they said that he had more potential. Noah had scoffed it off at the time, but Eileen was making him believe that they weren’t just empty words that the professors had used on all the students not doing very well. 

She began to pace, and Noah knew that it couldn’t be good. The fact that she was taking almost forever to spill what she wanted to made him nervous. Allison was always quite sure of herself, and anything otherwise made Noah uncomfortable – although admittedly made him feel trusted, included. Allison wasn’t very forthcoming with many people, but he knew that she would always talk to him, including topics that she wouldn’t broach with others. As Noah didn’t have many friends, this sort of strange relationship made him feel important and necessary. Allison made him feel important and necessary. Yes, Eileen made him feel good, but at the same time she was independent. She would be fine with or without him – he didn’t feel really insulted by it (much), but he also didn’t feel like she needed him. Allison did. 

He wasn’t immediately sure what she was talking about. Answer what question? He had to essentially rewind his brain to remember what had happened – he had been so preoccupied with the question that he had asked her that everything sort of fell away. “I dunno, I guess that depends on the answer?” he paused and let out a small breath that he didn’t realize he had been holding. “What do you want me to say? That’s a hell of a question, Allie. Just let me know. You can’t just dangle that sort of fucking information in front of a person and not expect them to want to know more.” He was growing admittedly frustrated. “Don’t you trust me?” he challenged. It was always what he did… he always turned the argument around. To be fair, Allie was just as good at doing it as he was. It was what made their arguments so toxic.