Post by FINN MICHAEL KIERAN on Nov 27, 2013 13:46:28 GMT -8
"The pain never really leaves, but it becomes bearable. I know it doesn't seem like that now. But it does. I learned that the hard way." Finn nodded a bit. It was the first time anyone had told him that. Granted he could count the people who knew someone he loved had died, on one hand. Rabastan, who had tried to help, and Ben. He figured Ezio might have an idea that thats what happened. The two had been friends most their lives, but Ezio had his own problems to deal with. Finn never wanted to trouble him with his.
"It is hard, especially when you're alone. But a lone is usually how you find yourself right?" Finn shrugged a bit. "Not always brother, but more often than not. 'S better that way. No one wants to be friends with the drunk, y'know? All people really see is that there must be somethin' wrong what makes me drink myself silly. They don't want nothin' t do with it. Can't say as I blame them." He really didn't, he knew he was shite for good company. He'd been told so on more than one occasion. "If you ever need someone to talk to... or even just sit with. I'm around." It was an odd feeling that came over Finn. Camaraderie he supposed, maybe even a want for it to become a friendship. The only real friend he had since Ewan was Ezio. He could probably count Rab, but after what happened? He wasn't sure if Rab wanted him dead or not.
"When my Mother died, I would sit alone in my room and wish it was me who died instead. I wished fate had taken me so I didn't have to go through life alone. It wasn't till I started to talk about it that it started to get better...I spend 7 years wishing I was dead." Finn looked over, but this time he really looked. He could see the lingering pain in Bens eyes, the scars that only showed to people like them. The same ones that he bore and hid from the world. Finn chewed the inside of his cheek, leaning his head back.
"His name was Ewan. He was my best mate, we grew up together. He.." Finn couldn't stop himself. the alcohol had brought down his walls, and Ben took them out with what he had said. Not even Rab knew the whole story, though he felt that he suspected some parts. There was no stopping now, and maybe...it would bring him some peace. "He was the first person I loved. Only person, really. Only person who made me think I could be better, that I was worth anything. He ah...he didn't believe in all this pureblood shit. Thought people were people, no one was better than anyone else."
His chest tightened up, and he took in a deep breath. "He knew he what was goin' to happen before I had any idea. Had me go an' meet him one night, told me it was life or death that I keep hidden. I thought he'd lost it you know? Figured he was drunk or somethin'...I watched him die that night. Couldn't stop it, couldn't even register it until it was too late." A short, but cold laugh erupted from him as he lit a cigarette. "Believe it or not, that not the reason I'm so fucked up now." He chewed the end of the cigarette between his teeth. "I watched my father...kill the one person I loved in the world. All because he didn't believe in 'our ways'. "
"Rabastan tried to help me, you know. Don't know if you know him....He's a good man, a damned good one. Did something...something I can never repay him for, something he didn't have to do. Ended up going to Azkaban for it." Finns jaw clenched. He was pissed about that. He would've gladly taken the fall, he would've gone in Rabs stead. It was his fault Rab had done it in the first place, because Finn had asked him to. And now? Finn didn't even know if he could apologize for it. What reason would Rabastan have to talk to the person who got him sent away?
Finn fell silent, taking a drag and exhaling unsteadily. He had never told anyone before, not to that extent. Nor had he brought up to anyone that Rab was involved, and that it had gotten him sent to prison.
"It is hard, especially when you're alone. But a lone is usually how you find yourself right?" Finn shrugged a bit. "Not always brother, but more often than not. 'S better that way. No one wants to be friends with the drunk, y'know? All people really see is that there must be somethin' wrong what makes me drink myself silly. They don't want nothin' t do with it. Can't say as I blame them." He really didn't, he knew he was shite for good company. He'd been told so on more than one occasion. "If you ever need someone to talk to... or even just sit with. I'm around." It was an odd feeling that came over Finn. Camaraderie he supposed, maybe even a want for it to become a friendship. The only real friend he had since Ewan was Ezio. He could probably count Rab, but after what happened? He wasn't sure if Rab wanted him dead or not.
"When my Mother died, I would sit alone in my room and wish it was me who died instead. I wished fate had taken me so I didn't have to go through life alone. It wasn't till I started to talk about it that it started to get better...I spend 7 years wishing I was dead." Finn looked over, but this time he really looked. He could see the lingering pain in Bens eyes, the scars that only showed to people like them. The same ones that he bore and hid from the world. Finn chewed the inside of his cheek, leaning his head back.
"His name was Ewan. He was my best mate, we grew up together. He.." Finn couldn't stop himself. the alcohol had brought down his walls, and Ben took them out with what he had said. Not even Rab knew the whole story, though he felt that he suspected some parts. There was no stopping now, and maybe...it would bring him some peace. "He was the first person I loved. Only person, really. Only person who made me think I could be better, that I was worth anything. He ah...he didn't believe in all this pureblood shit. Thought people were people, no one was better than anyone else."
His chest tightened up, and he took in a deep breath. "He knew he what was goin' to happen before I had any idea. Had me go an' meet him one night, told me it was life or death that I keep hidden. I thought he'd lost it you know? Figured he was drunk or somethin'...I watched him die that night. Couldn't stop it, couldn't even register it until it was too late." A short, but cold laugh erupted from him as he lit a cigarette. "Believe it or not, that not the reason I'm so fucked up now." He chewed the end of the cigarette between his teeth. "I watched my father...kill the one person I loved in the world. All because he didn't believe in 'our ways'. "
"Rabastan tried to help me, you know. Don't know if you know him....He's a good man, a damned good one. Did something...something I can never repay him for, something he didn't have to do. Ended up going to Azkaban for it." Finns jaw clenched. He was pissed about that. He would've gladly taken the fall, he would've gone in Rabs stead. It was his fault Rab had done it in the first place, because Finn had asked him to. And now? Finn didn't even know if he could apologize for it. What reason would Rabastan have to talk to the person who got him sent away?
Finn fell silent, taking a drag and exhaling unsteadily. He had never told anyone before, not to that extent. Nor had he brought up to anyone that Rab was involved, and that it had gotten him sent to prison.